Blogs

By Julie Grenness

Vanessa was ready for vacation WTF (With the Family). She was going on holiday with her husband Jack, the jokester. They were driving to the Lakeside Holiday Inn. Vanessa and Jack were not planning on a second honeymoon. They were taking along, in their large car, their five daughters and her late mother’s old apricot poodle, Beau.

The WTF vacationers set off, all aboard, buckled up. “I really want to go on a holiday with my best friend,” moaned Africa, 12, sulking. “So do I,” thought Vanessa, but silence was her best option. Africa had started budding, and no longer regarded boys as a waste of space. Scary.

The road ahead was clear, and the family was quite chirpy. Savannah, 6, and Montana, 5, were coloring in their “Frozen” books. All good. Then Nevada, 7, shrieked, “Beau’s dead!” The WTF vacation pulled over to the side of the highway. Poor little Beau lay motionless on the floor of the car, no longer snoring.

Hysterics ensued from Vanessa’s five junior drama mamas. Tears rolled, inconsolable. Jack the jokester pulled a small shovel from the boot of the car. He began digging. “Don’t worry, girls, we’ll give him a proper funeral.” Vanessa laid little Beau in his small grave.

Miracles happen. Beau immediately arose like Lazarus and nipped Vanessa on her arm, as usual. He had never liked Vanessa. The feeling was mutual. The roadside funeral was cancelled, as the ball of fluff widdled on the front tire of Jack’s pride and joy, his car.

The girls all giggled. Drinks and snacks were shared. Then, naturally, Jack the jokester had to drive them to a restroom at a Roadhouse. All aboard again for the WTF vacation. Suddenly, a query from Savannah. “Where’s Georgia?” “WTF,” said Vanessa, craning her neck to check. “Jack, we left her at the Roadhouse!”

Wheelies ensued. By the time the WTF vacationers reached the Roadhouse, Georgia was in tears again, hiding in the restroom. Then they were off again, heading down the highway. “Mum, I feel sick!” yelled Nevada, closely followed by Montana. Vanessa issued bags. Yes, the WTF vacation had packed their stomach bug. “Barfarama in the back!” joked Jack. “Funny ha,” thought Vanessa. Again, silence was her best option.

Jack tried to hold her hand. “We might have a son next.” “More funny ha!” thought Vanessa. “Was he only after ONE THING?”

Vanessa was always good at map reading, Jack was not. Some time later, as the oil light started blinking on the car dashboard, Vanessa summoned her courage. “Honey, you were supposed to turn right two hours ago. “WTF!” he said.

All perfectly normal for Vanessa’s WTF vacation. Funny, ha!

— Julie Grenness

Julie Grenness is a poet and writer in Australia. She’s a former teacher who now tutors and mentors young people.