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By Jan Marshall

Martha Stewart, at 81, is a cover girl, proving it's never too late. So incredibly motivating! I, too, was contacted to do a two-page spread. However, it was one photo of me in a bikini, but it took two pages. 

I refused. I have nothing against Martha. She looks fantastic. It is not even jealousy as you may think.

I, too, grow my own coconuts to prepare my daily Pina Coladas at the bar I built by hand, decorated with tiles created and designed in my own kiln. BUT she eats healthy meals cutting out bread and pasta.I’d rather cut out my heart than to eliminate those staples in my life. Thus, so you are not disappointed, do not look for me to be a cover girl except on the police gazette if I decide to rob a bank. (It is so tempting with all the leftover masks I own).

True, inside me lives a skinny gal trying to get out. Usually I shut her up with a bowl of spaghetti or a chunk of pumpernickel. Sometimes I don’t eat it, but have to stuff my ears instead because my inner hungry child sure makes a lot of noise! Let’s face it: I have never, ever met a bowl of pasta I did not like. And I am very friendly to many other foods. 

It is my nature to be accommodating. But I must declare I overdo it the week starting at Thanksgiving and ending at Easter/ Passover /Ramadan, as I am an equal-eat-at-any-holiday activist. Plus special occasions sporadically are doing me in. What can I do?

I have four grandchildren and a great grandkid and all their besties who call me granny. So it would be rude of me to refuse birthday cake at each celebratory age. On Earth Day I celebrated many international delicacies found on earth and delivered by Amazon Fresh, Instacart and UberEATS. 

Everyone I know is anxious to mingle since the  lockdown from Covid is over. I have to pay the consequences. ENOUGH! After five parties, four restaurant meals and a wedding, please, just for the next week, no more food or toasts.

Remember when I thought I heard applause while walking, then learned it was my thighs hitting together? Now it’s more like a crowd of screaming rock aficionados giving a standing ovation to my jiggles and hanging participles.

Though frankly, I read in The New York Times that being overweight is not bad. Researchers claim the Body Mass Index (BMI) may not be an accurate measure of health. WHEW!

As long as I still fit into my earring from high school I’m okay. HMM. Can Martha do that?

— Jan Marshall

Jan Marshall’s life’s work is devoted to humor and healing through books, columns and consulting. A humorist and television host, she is a Certified Master Hypnotherapist. In 1986 she founded the International Humor & Healing Institute. Her board members included Norman Cousins, Steve Allen, Dr. Bernie Siegel and John Cleese, plus other physicians and entertainers. She wrote the satirical survival book, Dancin’ Schmancin’ with the Scars: Finding the Humor No Matter What! As a survivor, she donates a percentage of book profits to the American Cancer Society, American Brain Tumor Association, Wounded Warriors and The Laguna Woods Village Foundation. She's also written two children's books, The Littlest Hero and The Toothbush Who Tried To Get Away.