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By January Gordon Ornellas

Eight weeks before we went on vacation, where I would be required to wear a bathing suit (sad face), I told myself, “You can do this! You can lose eight pounds in eight weeks!”

Eight days before we left, I reminded myself, “You can do this! You can lose 10 pounds in eight days!” 

The problem was that we had friends visiting the weekend before we left. 

Forget sugar and carbs. Let’s blame the friends.

“Hey, guys, who’s feeling broccoli this weekend?” I asked the group.

(Spoiler Alert: No one.)

So I went to Costco to pick out delicious snacks, like the gigantic container of Peanut M&Ms that beckoned me from Aisle 2. “I love you, too,” I whispered, before fleeing. Trust me, I cannot be alone in a room with Peanut M&Ms.

Only one of us is coming out alive.

I scanned the aisle for something less tempting, which is how I ended up with a two pound bag of White Chocolate Peppermint Pretzel Crisps. 

Pretzels are too salty, peppermint is meh, and white chocolate is chocolate’s less ethnic, boring cousin.

Folks, we have a winner.

With seven days and 11 pounds to lose, it was important that I stay the course. 

It was all going so well until Saturday Night Skip-Bo (I don’t think I need to tell you how wild our night was), when I broke out the WCPPC.

“Mmm,” everyone murmured. “These are good.”

I rolled my eyes. 

Seriously, how good could pretzels really be? 

I took a bite.

I think the best way to describe it, without sounding weird, is like the beginning of a relationship, when you’re so in love you can’t keep your hands off each other.

I mean, technically, Pretzel Crisps don't have hands, so I guess I was the only handsy one.

Let’s just say that we had a good weekend together.

And then a few good days after that.

But I knew I had to stop because I still had to lose 13 pounds in four days, and I was becoming concerned that I might not achieve my goal.

That night, I handed Steve the bag. “You need to hide these from me.”

He shrugged. “Okay.”

Two hours later, I walked into the kitchen and there the bag sat, on the counter.

Remind me not to play Hide and Seek with this guy.

“Steve!” I yelled.

“What?” He asked, walking into the kitchen.

I finished chewing. “I told you to hide these.”

“Oh, yeah, I forgot.”

After we said our goodbyes, Steve took the WCPPC and hid them.

In his office.

I know this because that’s where I found them the next day.

Trust me, I didn’t want to find them, but then I thought of the saying, If you love something, set it free. If it returns, it was meant to be.

Obviously, we were meant to be together because there they were, on the top shelf, inside Steve’s glass cabinet. 

Apparently, Steve thinks I can’t see through glass. 

Sheesh, Buddy, I’m not that blind.

(Although I did recently apply a firming foot cream to my face. WHY DO THEY HAVE TO WRITE SO DAMN SMALL? IF I’M AT THE AGE THAT MY FACE REQUIRES FIRMING, USE A BIGGER FONT!)

I marched right into the other room and let Steve have it.

I may have also had a quick snack.

“You have to hide these, so I won't ever find them!” I told him.

And he did.

I mean, he really hid them.

Trust me, I looked everywhere.

But the good news is now I could lose those 15 pounds in three days.

A few days later, on our tropical vacation 4,000 miles from home, I told our friends how WCPPC had completely derailed me. “If it wasn’t for those damn pretzel chips, I’d have a beach bod right now,” I said.

Then we laughed and laughed.

“You mean these pretzel chips?” my friend Lisa said, pointing to a bag on the counter.

Steve smiled.

I’m going to kill that guy.

Right after I have a quick snack.

— January Gordon Ornellas 

January Gordon Ornellas is a comedy writer whose stories include everything from colonoscopies to triathlons (equally torturous). Her article, “Rookie’s Triathlon Lessons,” appeared in the LA Times (June 2019). Two of her other stories, “Gobble, Gobble” and “Almost Taken,” were recently published in Chicken Soup for the Soul: Laughter is the Best Medicine (April 2020), and another four can be found in Chicken Soup for the Soul: Too Funny! (April 2022). She won honorable mention in the global humor category in the 2022 Erma Bombeck Writing Competition and is currently working on a book, Confessions of a Crazy Softball Mom. January also enjoys writing for her blog (midlifebloomer.com), traveling and spending time with her husband and two adult daughters.