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By Jan Marshall

Yup! I am about to be out of a job and technology is to blame. 

Self-driving cars are to become a reality. How they will maneuver without me it’s too soon to say.

I am a professional back seat driver though my actual location has always been sitting in front, next to the human navigator.

It is not any easy task as I have to be conscientious and able to instruct my partner, prompting him to keep his eyes on the road ahead.

I see myself as director of traffic and any other people in their naivete who deem that none of my business are irresponsible, as I see. I am helping my small area of humanity be cautious and safe when I badger them with:

“You’re driving too slow.”

“You’re driving too fast.”

“Keep your eyes on the road.”

 “Stop looking at that babe in the bikini.” 

“Oh boy, you are so naive.” 

“That is not her real nose.”

“Or breasts.”

“Or teeth.”

“She’s probably a Hollywood starlet.”

“Oops, is that a Kardashian?

I do remember that one time when evidently someone’s prayers were answered, or was it a dream?

I heard someone whisper, “Jan, sleep with the windows open. Snow and wind are improving your nagging skills.” And then I had laryngitis and couldn’t speak. 

On the following day in the car, he checked his ears to make sure his hearing aid was turned on, then because of the eery silence, started to turn back thinking he left me at home. 

Since this could happen or something even more dire — these job-killing self-driving vehicles make my vital contribution to the world obsolete —  I asked my assistant Siri, for posterity, to record my suggestions for the driver. 

At first, she seemed to be writing my to-do and not-to-do list. Then she stopped and shouted, “You, Jan, are the real reason self-driving vehicles were necessary in the first place. Get out of my car!”

It is not Siri’s car but mine. However, since she knows too much and can ruin my life if she revealed any of it, I may sign over ownership.  

I’m hitchhiking home.

When I am safe and out of her control, I am switching to Alexa’s grandma with the hearing aid and hiding her batteries. 

I thought of becoming an Uber driver, but I just learned they may go driverless. 

Siri claims my constant nagging chatter may influence their final decision. Siri is a beitch! 

— Jan Marshall

Jan Marshall’s life’s work is devoted to humor and healing through books, columns and consulting. A humorist and television host, she is a Certified Master Hypnotherapist. In 1986 she founded the International Humor & Healing Institute. Her board members included Norman Cousins, Steve Allen, Dr. Bernie Siegel and John Cleese, plus other physicians and entertainers. She wrote the satirical survival book, Dancin’ Schmancin’ with the Scars: Finding the Humor No Matter What! As a survivor, she donates a percentage of book profits to the American Cancer Society, American Brain Tumor Association, Wounded Warriors and The Laguna Woods Village Foundation. She's also written two children's books, The Littlest Hero and The Toothbush Who Tried To Get Away.

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