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By Raymond Reid

While walking his dog the other night, a good friend of mine was alerted by a passerby that he’d just seen a coyote down the street. This was a few days before a black bear was seen (and videotaped) walking across a yard on Oakhurst Street in broad daylight. I saw the video on Facebook. 

The bear wasn’t fully grown, but big enough to do some harm. So running from it would come to mind. But that would not be a good idea, because bears run twice as fast as humans. That’s for normal “humans,” not older humans like me (even though I can run faster when I’m totally terrified). This bear sighting was less than a mile from our house. 

So what would I have done if I had confronted it while strolling through our Branchwood Neighborhood? From everything I’ve read, climbing a tree is the best way to elude being attacked by a bear. But I haven’t climbed a tree since I was 12 years old. That was back when I could shimmy up the trunk until I could grab the first limb. Now I would need a ladder. 

But I never happen to be carrying a ladder when I walk through the neighborhood. My neighbors would think that to be a bit suspicious, especially the ones who live in two-story houses. The other option to avoid being attacked and killed by a bear is to fall to the ground, roll over and play dead. I could do that, but I wouldn’t be playing. I would be stone-cold dead from a massive heart attack. 

So I’m going to rule out walking in broad daylight for a while. But because of my friend’s neighborhood coyote alert, I’m ruling out night-walking as well. But if I am on the street after dark for any reason, I’ve read online what to do if confronted by a coyote. The website is “Coyote Smarts.” The instructions include: (1) “Be as big and loud as possible and don’t turn your back on it. Wave your arms and clap your hands.” 

The neighbors will think I’ve gone nuts, and maybe they’ll save the day by calling 911. (2) “Make noise by banging pots and pans.”

“Hello, honey, I’m right up the street. I need some pots and pans to clang together. And please hurry; I will be waving my arms and jumping up and down, frantically. Hello…Honey…Hello?” 

Well, maybe I should just not walk for a while, day or night. But if I’m ever caught taking the trash to the road after dark, I’ll just take along a weapon. Not a gun, but a golf club. A 2 iron. I never could hit a golf ball with it, but I know I can hit a coyote!

-Raymond Reid

Raymond Reid is a national award-winning humor columnist. He can be contacted at rreid7@triad.rr.com