Blogs

By Beth Broderick

It happens to all of us.

We will just be going about our day, trying to get things done — or in my case, probably trying to avoid getting things done — when we get the urge to browse. To check out some prices, get some pointers, or look for more stuff to buy, because one can never have enough stuff. So we click the link to a website and try to take a look, but no. It asks you to join up before you can view their offerings. This is annoying, but you go ahead and try to enter the requested data and then this dreaded sentence appears:

“An account for this user-name already exists.”

I am never happy to see it or the words that inevitably follow:

“Forgot password?”

This is when I clutch my head and begin shouting at my computer screen. Oh Gawd Dang it!!! Yes! Obviously, I have forgotten it! I did not realize that I had one for this ffing site. I actually do not recall visiting this site before. I am not sure even as I gaze at it what exactly your site does. What function do you serve? Who are you and how do we know each other and why do I need a password to find out???

Arghhhhhhh!

Why do I need a secret handshake to buy a pair of shoes from you and possibly also socks? Why is there a need for this private relationship between us? Why do I have to squirrel away some magic combination of letters and numbers with one capitol and a special character? Why, God? Why?

Want to know how to lose weight? Erase skin crepe? Have better performance in the bedroom? There is a website for that and it wants your damned data. Enter your information and all will be revealed. Also they have some diet supplements and weird equipment and exotic “berry” extracts they want to sell you, ads for which will now be sent to your inbox at a breathless pace.

I just wanted to buy some sneakers this morning. My walkers are wearing out, but I forgot my blasted password and the whole thing made me cranky. This was not good for either of us because now I refuse to buy your damned shoes so probably my arches will fall or my knees will be ruined from wearing crappy footwear and you have lost a sale.

Just writing about it makes me want to lie down.

Hours and hours and hours. I have spent an immeasurable amount of time setting and re-setting passwords. Yes, I have committed most of them to an endless list. This list also has a dummy title so that prying cyber eyes will not discover it and break into my bank or any online arenas that really do need to be private. This list can be found on my desktop with the code name: “Hamster Houses.” Well, that would have been the case, but now I have written it for all to see and so that will have to be changed and then I will have to try to remember it, too.

I try to save the gazillion passwords I am required to create, add a hamster every time, but it seems that I repeatedly fail to do so. It just does not come naturally to me. I can write in cursive, use a dial up telephone and slow cook a stew without a special appliance, but when it comes to the Internet … I can sometimes be a cranky old lady.

Get off my lawn!

I have a friend who believes the Internet is going to kill us all. He is certain that it will harm us in unimaginable ways. While I agree it has its dark side, I think there are other things that may beat cyberspace to the knockout punch.

First: Man’s inhumanity to man, evidence of which is routinely exhibited on the nightly news. We humans are a savage lot.

Second: Our species’ inability to project into and prepare for the future, which has led to climate crises that would seem too blatant to ignore and yet we manage to.

Third: Leaf blowers. They are a true form of evil. If you come near me with one of these disagreeable downright dirty, environment-wrecking machines, then you will find me a very, very cranky old lady.

Get off my lawn!

There are lots of things going for our collective jugulars. Oil-hungry dictators. Meteors. Ice Ages. Ages of no ice. Those are things to be on the lookout for. The Internet, too, has great power to harm, but it can also be used to heal. It is equal parts magical and maniacal.

One can spend hours trying to understand the tech support offered by a thickly accented guy named Dave who is obviously not named Dave. Bless his heart. Poor “Dave” is somewhere in some country like India trying to help erase your cookies or unlock your documents. He cannot understand you either, and both of you have fried the last frazzle of each other’s nerves. That is never fun, but it probably won’t kill you. Mind that blood pressure though, just in case.

There are lots of wonders on offer as well. We can zoom into each other’s homes with a click, manage calendars with ease and shop for things we don’t need to our heart’s content at any hour of the night or day.

We can get it into our heads that we would like to start a newsletter and, well … start one. In a world of videos and podcasts and instas and ever-breaking news, it is wonderful to note that there are still folks (a few thousand of you are here with me now) who take a minute out of their day to read. Thank you for setting your eyes upon my words. You make these pages feel like home.

On we go…

— Beth Broderick 

Beth is an actor, writer, model and chef. She can bring the funny and the pie. Read more of her writing at bethbroderick.substack.com.