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By Jan Marshall

I am outraged again this year that I was not nominated for an Oscar. I cannot keep it to myself, this awful conspiracy. I am just as disappointed as Lady Gaga and Leonardo DiCaprio.

Sure, there was the one year I won an Oscar for Best in the Field of Nagging from Nathan’s Coney Island Hot Dog stand. They honored me for my dramatic march in front of Oscar Mayer’s wiener mobile screaming, “I know frankfurters, mister, and you are not Nathan’s!  And more obvious you are not and never will be Hebrew National Knockwurst…ever!

Me dressed stylishly in my Coco Chanel off-the-shoulder jacket — why should I adhere to her simple lines and rules? — rouged cheeks and Nike knockoff sneakers from my running days for the bus that I always missed because I’m a late sleeper. But I digress. 

Nagging is in my DNA, according to Professor Louis Gates, the historian of great renown who could tell us who our mishpocha relatives were.  It turns out my fourth great great great grandma on my father’s side met a harlot in a hamlet and chastised her by tsk tsking for an hour while shouting, “What’s a girl like you doing such things like that there when you could do better in a good neighborhood in upper Manhattan?”

I felt a thrill knowing I came from a long tradition of what you disparaging, judgmental people call nags as if giving advice were a negative act. Though, in fact, the truth is we are “positive philosophers.” Yes, don’t clutch your pearls in horror. For what is nagging but caring and annoying — and for what you may ask?  It’s us simply looking out for you, for everyone. 

To this very point: What did philosopher Plato do morning and night? Or Confucius or Dear Abby? They gave advice, ergo nagging. It is truly an honorable profession. I am proud to carry that mantle. I would have preferred to carry Mickey Mantle, if there was a choice, when he was alive.

So, yes, I was disappointed that I did not win the prestigious nomination for my heartfelt, though thankless, warnings and love-filled naggings in person, but rather only by texting direct messages and leaving voice mails.

Damn you, Covid!

— Jan Marshall

Jan Marshall’s life’s work is devoted to humor and healing through books, columns and consulting. A humorist and television host, she is a Certified Master Hypnotherapist. In 1986 she founded the International Humor & Healing Institute. Her board members included Norman Cousins, Steve Allen, Dr. Bernie Siegel and John Cleese, plus other physicians and entertainers. She wrote the satirical survival book, Dancin’ Schmancin’ with the Scars: Finding the Humor No Matter What! As a survivor, she donates a percentage of book profits to the American Cancer Society, American Brain Tumor Association, Wounded Warriors and The Laguna Woods Village Foundation. She's also written two children's books, The Littlest Hero and The Toothbush Who Tried To Get Away.