Blogs

By Allia Zobel Nolan

Dear First Lady Jill Biden:

First off, let me congratulate you, and wish you all blessings and good will on your role as First Lady. Then, too, as an animal lover myself, I’m ecstatic that there will once again be First Pets in the White House.

Which segues me into why I’m writing: I’ve heard you plan to adopt a rescue cat. Having gone through the process myself several times, and being the author of 11 cat books, I wanted to give you a heads up on what you can expect.

As in politics, no matter how qualified you are for the job, the vetting process is extremely extensive. Indeed, no matter who you are, or what your background, all reputable rescue agencies require those seeking to adopt a cat to fill out a lengthy application. Before you can even spend some time looking through the array of available puddies, you’ll have a background check as vigorous as that of a recruit seeking a top-notch job at the FBI. The next step will be a meeting with the adoption counselor who will take your measure in person, after which an inspection of your residence will be required.

So, Dr. Biden, to make things easier for you, I thought I’d jot down a sampling of what you may be asked or the credentials you may have to supply on said application:

Occupation?

Name of your employer?

Number of people in the household? Are all of your children aged seven or older?

Do you own or rent your residence?

How long have you lived at your present address? Will you be moving in the foreseeable future?

Will your cat have the run of the House? The Senate? The Oval Office?

Where will your cat sleep? In the Lincoln room? In the Queen’s bedroom? The Treaty Room?

Will your kitty be allowed on the furniture?

Will kitty have her own Secret Service attendants?

Briefly explain what a typical day will be like for your cat.

How much time do you estimate you’ll spend with your rescue cat?

If your new kitty sheds on foreign dignitaries, what will you do? If she/he shreds the curtains? If he/she unravels the toilet paper in the 35 White House bathrooms?

Are you financially able to provide several different flavors of cat food to accommodate your new cat’s various tastes?

If your new rescue ignores you, how will that affect your day?

Do you have a lot of guests? Parties? Overnight visitors? Where will your new rescue be during these occasions?

Under what circumstances would you be forced to return your cat to the rescue? If she scratches a constituent? If she rubs up against a GOP’s leg? If she throws up a hairball at a state dinner? If she grooms herself on your desk in the middle of a call to Vladimir Putin?

How much of the national debt are you willing to increase to pay for your cat’s health care?

Do you have any other pets? If so, are they neutered/spayed? Do they have the run of the House? The Senate?

How do you plan on introducing kitty to the pets you currently have? Though an interpreter?

What are your plans for your rescue should an emergency arise?

Dr. Biden, that’s just a sampling of the information you will probably be required. What’s more, you’ll have to give at least three references, no relatives, or officials in your husband’s cabinet, and the names of at least two vets, of both parties, you have had down through the years. That’s it. Good luck.

Respectfully,
Allia Zobel Nolan

— Allia Zobel Nolan

Allia Zobel Nolan is the author of the newly published children's book, God Made Us Just Right, a reprise of Why a Cat Is Still Better Than a Man as well as the second edition of The Worrywart's Prayer Book. She is an internationally published author of over 150 traditionally published children's and adult trade titles. Her books reflect her two main passions, God and cats, and include such varied titles as Cat Confessions: A Kitty Come Clean Tell All Book, Whatever Is Lovely: a 90-Day Devotional and Journal; and What I Like About You: A Book About Acceptance. She shares her life with her husband, Desmond, and their two feline children, Nolan Nolan and Colleen Fiona Shannon Nolan. In 2018, she collaborated with the Erma Bombeck Writers' Workshop on the humor anthology, Laugh Out Loud: 40 Women Humorists Celebrate Then and Now Before We Forget.