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By Wendy Gilbert Gronbeck

I once met a nun who ran an orphanage in Saigon during the Vietnam War. She told me that near the end of the war, they routinely and without hesitation lied about the children waiting for adoption. They’d say anything to get the kids adopted and away from the bombs and the guns.

They omitted problems from the record, no matter how serious. They embellished talents, no matter how subtle. Lying to potential adoptive parents was by far the lesser of two evils. Those fraudulent, scheming sisters are my heroes.

But, it turns out, those nuns were pikers. They were amateurs. You know who’s better at padding resumes to promote adoption? Those people who write for animal shelters. They could work at any ad agency on 5^th Avenue.

Shelter websites have page after page of adoptable animals. I find it entertaining to read the descriptions of the animals first and then look at their photos.

Skippy is a loyal fellow who will never leave your side. (Skippy only has two legs. He isn’t going anywhere.)

Lulu will look at you so adoringly if you give her a loving home. (Lulu is trying to focus with her one and only eye.)

Norman will be happiest in a home without other cats. (Norman once chased John Wayne Gacy out of his yard.)

Annabelle will quickly adapt to your home and family. (She’s already adapted to nine different families who returned her and then replaced their carpets.)

Izzy would be a great therapy dog. (Izzy is in therapy right now.)

Stan will do best in a home with older children. (If you adopt Stan, your younger children may never get to be older children.)

Arlo is an adorable terrier mix. (Arlo weighs 75 pounds and once got mixed up when he walked by a terrier.)

Mixed breed. (Pit Bull)

Possibly a poodle. (Pit Bull)

Agility candidate. (Pit Bull)

If I’d been the judge on the college-admissions scamming cases, I would have had Lori Loughlin and Felicity Huffman do community service by writing resumes for animals in shelters. Why not use their talents where they’d do the most good?

So, what does it matter if a deceitful nun or cheating actress or overwrought shelter volunteer lures you in with a padded resume? Once you have your dog or cat, once they peer at you with whatever fragment of an eye remains, you will fall in love and see the dog they once were or the cat they might have been.

Our vet had a sign in the waiting room that read: “Lost Dog: brown, missing one ear, drags his back legs after being hit by a car, blind in one eye and mostly deaf. Answers to the name of Lucky.” And if you’re Lucky, you’ll adopt a shelter pet, and they will give you the same benefit of the doubt.

— Wendy Gilbert Gronbeck

Wendy Gilbert Gronbeck’s work has appeared in Our Iowa and Michigan History Magazine.  She’s taught broadcast writing, written video scripts and been accused of “being raised by a pack of wild metaphors.”