Skip to main content

Blogs

Seeking unemployment benefits

Yup! I am about to be out of a job, and technology is to blame.Self-driving cars are to become a reality.

How they will ever maneuver without me it is simply too soon to say.

FACTOID: I am a professional back-seat driver though my actual location has always been sitting in front next to the human navigator.

It is not any easy task as I have to be conscientiousin able to instruct my partner while prompting him to keep his eyes on the road ahead.

I see myself as director of traffic, and others in their naivete who deem it as "none of my business" are irresponsible. I see it as helping my small area of humanity to be cautious and safe.

Examples:

"You're driving too slow."

"You're driving too fast."

"Keep your eyes on the road."

"Stop looking at the blonde in the bikini."

"Oh boy, you are so naive."

"That is not her real nose."

"Or breasts."

"Or teeth."

"She's probably a Hollywood starlet."

"Oops, is that Ivanka?"

I do recall that one time, when obviously someone's prayers were answered, I developed laryngitis and couldn't speak.

First, he checked his ears to make sure his hearing aid was turned on. Then, because of the eerie silence, started to turn back thinking he left me at home.

Since this could happen, or something even more dire - these job-killing self-driving vehicles make my vital contribution to humanity obsolete - I asked my assistant Siri to record my suggestions for the driver and for posterity.

I thought she seemed to be writing my "To Do" and "Not To Do" list. Then she stopped and shouted, "You, Jan, are the reason self-driving vehicles were necessary in the first place. Get out of the car!"

I'm switching to Alexa.

- Jan Marshall

Jan Marshall is an author of humor and healing books, a humor consultant and newspaper columnist.

Previous Post

A philandering philanthropist? Uh, never!

My friend Fleeko, a retired horse jockey, recently turned 65. His only comment? "Whoop-de-doo!" A feisty, free-spirited sexagenarian fur sure, he struts through the world like a banty rooster. I, of course, am far too pure to endorse his somewhat sophomoric antics. But talk about getting into life! Each day, Fleeko viciously fights boredom to the hilt. His bigliest fan? His wife Flameekwah. She testifies that "he makes life happen happily, and has a heart even more golden than the world's ...
Read More
Next Post

One letter off movie titles

Have you heard the one about the old guy who tinkered with soda pop formulas in his garage? He invented one concoction that he liked so much he named it "6 Up." But just before he could market it, he died in a freak Mentos and soda pop explosion. His family and friends found some comfort in the tragedy, though. They'll always remember him as the man who came THIS close to inventing 7 Up. They're known as "One Letter Off Movie Titles." There have been hundreds of famous examples that stret ...
Read More