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I had my first real interview the other day. I'd read the tips - dress well, research the company, have questions - but here are some extra tips I came up with after my interview.

1. Pretend you're not crazy.

My interview took place on the third floor. When I walked in, I immediately looked for the stairs because I have this "fear of entrapment" thing. (Different than claustrophobia, I learned from my friend Lance when I told him about the time I tried to pry open some elevator doors with my fingernails after being "stuck" for about 12 seconds.) The place I had my interview wasn't a large building, so I was perplexed when I couldn't find the staircase. I decided to ask one of the ground floor people.

Me: Hi, where are the stairs?

Lady: Hmmm, I don't know. Joe, do you know where the stairs are?

Joe: No.

Me (Incredulous): What are you guys going to do in an earthquake?

Joe: I never go on the other floors.

Lady to a man behind me: Aaron, do you know where the stairs are?

Aaron: No.

Me: Hey, are you the Aaron I'm meeting at eleven?

Aaron (Looking scared of the crazy person who was asking everyone what they would do in an earthquake): Yes.

I should have just sucked it up and taken the elevator in the first place. Which leads me to my second tip.

2. Your interview starts the second you enter the building.

That was one awkward elevator ride with Aaron. I should have had my game face on the moment I entered the building. Plus, I didn't get to do my Wonder Woman pose in the stairwell. (See the TED Talk on this subject.)

3. Pretend you like yourself.

Aaron and Abby interviewed me. At least let's pretend those are their names. And let's pretend they worked for a local radio station.

Aaron: And your creative writing skills?

Me: I think they're good.

Abby (Trying to help me out): Your resume says you've won two writing contests?

Me: Oh. Yeah.

Really. I said, "Oh. Yeah." And then nothing else. Did I even want this job? Also, when they asked what I knew about their station I said, "Not much." NOT MUCH?! I had read every word on their website, and I know more about stations in general than 99 percent of the population. Do I hate myself?! Well, yes, but this was the day to pretend otherwise!

4. Pretend you like other people.

"What's your biggest pet peeve about other people?" They asked.

"PEOPLE WHO SOUND 100 PERCENT SURE ABOUT SOMETHING, AND THEN YOU FIND OUT THEY WERE WRONG! WHY CAN'T THEY JUST SAY "I'M NOT SURE BUT I THINK..."

Great time to come alive. After all my short, hesitant answers, this is what I sound passionate about? I could have at least told them that it's only third on my pet peeve list, after gory commercials during family friendly TV shows, and leaf blowers.

On the way out, I found the stairs. I took them down and came out an ugly little door not in the lobby, but outside. I tried to open it again, out of curiosity. It was locked. Only for emergencies, I guess.

I didn't get the job. My only hope now is that this story can benefit others. Hide your phobias, pretend to like yourself and others, and be ready to meet your interviewer on the first floor. I'm not going to lie. It was kind of my dream job. But at least I won't have to take an elevator every day.

- Marie Millard

Marie Millard is the author of the young adult novella Anaheim Tales. She belongs to Redwood Writers, the largest branch of the California Writers Club, and she blogs at wereyoualwaysthisfunny.wordpress.com.