Thank you for contacting the Customer Service Department of my unfinished novel. Your complaint matters to us. Unfortunately, several of the people who could resolve it have been killed for pacing reasons.
Please choose from the following departments.
If you are a minor character who has discovered a body, press one. Do not touch anything. Do not make a cup of tea while you wait. The detective has specifically asked us to stop giving everyone tea because he is spending whole chapters looking for somewhere to put his cup.
If you are the detective's ex-wife, press two. We understand that you have a career, friends and interests unrelated to him. Those details are very important to us and will be included as soon as he needs to miss a school concert.
For complaints about the weather, press three. We are aware it has been raining for 80 pages. The author would like to assure you that this is atmosphere. The man repairing the municipal drains disagrees, but he was cut from the second draft.
Please note that the school concert has been postponed because the child has not yet been named. If you are that child, do not use the detective's surname on any enrollment paperwork. We changed it on Tuesday and haven't located every occurrence.
To report a missing person, remain on the line. To report that you have been missing for six chapters and nobody has noticed, please lower your expectations. You were introduced at the dinner party with nine other people, and the author thought your name was Malcolm.
If your name is Malcolm, we regret the confusion. You were killed in the opening scene. We cannot explain why you are also picking up dry cleaning in Chapter Twelve. Please continue doing so until we determine which occurrence is cheaper to fix.
For all complaints concerning romantic chemistry, press four. We have received your feedback about the detective and the forensic specialist. The author has responded by making them reach for the same folder. We hope this resolves your concern.
If you are the forensic specialist, we understand you would like to discuss your actual job. Please remember that the folder was heavy and your fingers touched. That is currently your subplot.
Residents whose homes have been described as "tired" may apply for a fresh adjective. Our inventory presently includes modest, unremarkable and somehow wrong. Please do not choose somehow wrong unless you are prepared for the detective to return after dark.
We apologize for the wait. Your call is being recorded for a possible confession.
If you are the murderer and wish to dispute the motive assigned to you, press five. We understand that the inheritance was small. The author is researching whether the victim owned a second house. Until then, please continue behaving strangely around photographs.
For errors in the town's geography, press six. The harbor is now east of the hospital. Residents of the western waterfront should move their boats before the next draft.
If you would like to speak to the author, please remain on the line. He is currently reading an article about the morning routines of successful writers.
We have tried reminding him that you are all still in the rain.
He has purchased a new notebook.
Please continue to hold. Our estimated response time is one more cup of coffee.
If your call concerns the ending, congratulations. You have reached a department that does not yet exist.
— Paul Michael Durivage
Paul Michael Durivage is a Michigan author whose fiction ranges from supernatural horror to workplace satire. His books include The Crossing and Is the Apocalypse a Valid Use of Sick Days? He also has more than 25 years of experience in precision manufacturing.