When my oldest son, who works in security in Washington, D.C., came to visit recently, he was aghast at the lack of security at my modest home amid the cornfields of northeast Indiana.
He conducted a daily reconnaissance mission, securing the premises every night, locking doors and planning an escape route in case of a midnight emergency. The only midnight emergencies I’ve ever had were hot flashes or underestimating my bladder control. My nightly security routine consists of getting up at 1 A.M. and locking the front door after I fall asleep on the sofa watching Extreme Hoarders.
What drove my son the craziest were the numerous violations of OPSEC, aka operational security. He was especially traumatized by the document on my laptop screen entitled “Viv’s New & Old Passwords.”
“Mom!” he admonished. “Please tell me this is not a list of all of your passwords for all the world to see?”
“Don’t be silly,” I said. “I’ve never had the whole world stop by and want to use my computer. Just you or your siblings, or the grandkids or sometimes a friend or neighbor if their wireless is not working. Oh, and one time when the guy working on our gutters needed to email his cousin.”
My son pointed out that any ne’er-do-well could easily steal my identity.
I argued that if the ne’er-do-well knew my passwords, he would also gain access to my banking records, and that alone would be a deterrent for any thief with a brain.
I often forget my password and am forced to come up with a new password, I explained, thus the list of old and new passwords.
He sighed and cradled his head in his hands.
However, in the end, I agreed with him. The morning after my son flew back to D.C., I sat down at my computer to create new, impenetrable passwords.
Website: Please enter a new password.
Me: vivpsw
Website: The password is too short.
Me: Urdeadtome
Website: The password must contain at least one number.
Me: 99UrDead2me
Website: The password cannot begin with a number.
Me: URdead2me99
Website: The password must contain one or more special characters.
Me: onmylastnerve99!
Website: The password must contain at least one uppercase letter.
Me: IwillFINdYou&YourLittleDog2!!
Website: The password cannot contain consecutive uppercase letters.
Me: Say Hello 2my Little Friend!
Website: The password cannot contain blank spaces.
Me: Warning:LeavetheGun-TaketheCannoli!GF1
Website: The password cannot contain hyphens or colons.
Me: @#$%!&1*@#$%@&&!HATEHATEHATEyou!
Website: You have already used that password. Please create a new one.
—Viv Sade
Viv Sade is a retired journalist and freelance writer. She began writing humor at the age of 12, and while classmates loved her stories, the teachers, not so much. She also authored humor columns for several weekly and daily newspapers throughout her career. Oldest of nine, mother of four and grandmother of 12, she finds that there's no shortage of material. She is currently penning a book, How Not to Parent.