I was 75 when it struck, a yearning to drive a red convertible Mustang. Somehow in my life I had missed the opportunity to drive a Mustang with the top down, scarf and dyed hair blowing in the wind. Yes, and with oversized sunglasses and bright makeup as well.
So, when Halloween came around and the old fogies were having a costume party at the community center, I thought the expression of my midlife crisis was long overdue. I could act out my lost, pre-menopausal middle age with the Beatles “Lady Madonna” hammered notes through my mind.
On went the red, curly wig. On went the makeup, tight leopard pants and dangle earrings. I dug into my closet for a low-neck shirt I shouldn’t wear in polite company and struggled into it. Then to the fridge for two grapefruits to set inside the shirt to accentuate the positive.
A bit top heavy, I stepped into a rented, red Mustang convertible, pushed the button to lower the top and drove over to the party with my bright red hair flying in the wind.
When I walked in, the geezers were around the refreshment table. The one scooping the ice cream dropped the scoop when he saw me and the ice cream fell into the veggies. The tall codger, with frazzled hair, had a mouthful of his soda and sprayed it out onto the bald gent in front of him, who over-reacted and swung around, knocking over the punch bowl onto the floor. An old coot carrying a tray of sandwiches from the kitchen slipped in the puddle of punch and desperately grabbed for the tablecloth. All splatted onto the floor with the mass of goodies on top of himself.
The lady coots stared in wonder and then began taking photos of the mess to send the grandkids. One sent the image of the sprawled fellow with lettuce on his face to the local newspaper.
I was cured of mid-life crisis right then. As I drove the red convertible back to the rental car parking lot, I took off the wig, took out the grapefruits and said, “Never again!”
— Linda W. Curtis
Linda W. Curtis is a botanist who has written extensively about Carex sedge plants in books and scientific articles. She’s the author of Bench Therapy, which includes “48 laugh-out-loud or at least chuckle-out-loud stories.”