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By Jerry Zezima

When you’re retired, you don’t live in the fast lane. In fact, my wife, Sue, and I are on the side of the road with a flat tire. The tradeoff is that you can’t get fired from a job you don’t have.

Still, there has been great concern by a certain prominent person about how certain subordinate but no less important people spend their time. So, in case anyone asks, here is what Sue and I did last week.

MONDAY

The highlight of the day is going to the pharmacy to pick up a refill of my cholesterol medication. Fortunately, it’s not one of those prescription drugs with side effects that include hives, itchy scalp and, in severe cases, death. I pray insurance will continue to cover it or I will have to give up Twinkies and Slim Jims and subsist on cabbage and celery for the rest of my life.

TUESDAY

I’m up at 4:30 a.m. to drive to an area theater where Steven Spielberg is shooting a scene for his new movie. I hope to begin my Hollywood career as an extra in the film, but I can’t get in because it’s a closed set. Looks like I will have to wait a while for my Oscar.

I go to an office supply store to order business cards. They read:

Jerry Zezima

Humorist

Author

Public nuisance

A very nice staffer named Alexandra helps me design them on a computer screen. I make sure “Public” is spelled correctly.

In the evening, Sue and I watch a televised speech. Appearing on the screen is the aforementioned prominent person, who is, for once, wearing a tie. He probably doesn’t want to get fired for violating the dress code.

WEDNESDAY

I go back to the office supply store to pick up my business cards. Fortunately, there are no typos.

Then I go to the gas station to put $15 of regular into my car, but the pump isn’t working, so I have to use another one. The money doesn’t go far. I hope gas prices don’t go up.

THURSDAY

I get a morning call from my son-in-law asking if I can watch my granddaughter, who is home sick from school. I spend the day with the adorable 8-year-old, who, between sniffles, shows me a fashion show on her phone.

“I won first place!” she gushes.

I also play with the family pooch, who is frisky and very interested in another game on my granddaughter’s phone that stars dogs dressed as frogs and princesses.

“Woof!” the puppy barks.

FRIDAY

Sue and I go to Costco. When we were younger, we took trips to exotic places like Hawaii, Barbados and France. Now we take trips to mundane places like Target, Home Depot and, yes, Costco.

In exchange for my services as the designated cart driver, Sue buys me a hot dog and a soft drink for lunch. Total: $1.50. She spares no expense for me. And I’m worth every penny.

Afterward, we buy wine for afternoon cocktails.

SATURDAY

A good food day: eggs (Sue spares no expense for them, either) and sausage links for breakfast, pizza for lunch and Chinese food for dinner. That evening, I have popcorn while watching a movie with Sue from the comfort of our family room because, when you’re our age, this is the new “Saturday Night Fever.”

SUNDAY

It’s the first day of daylight saving time. Spring ahead, fall back. We technically lose an hour’s sleep, but I really don’t lose any sleep because I am happy to do my part in documenting our week.

I trust this will help that certain prominent person who wants to know what others are doing. After all, it would be a shame if he loses his job.

—Jerry Zezima

Jerry Zezima writes a humor column for Tribune News Service, which distributes it to newspapers nationwide and abroad. He is also the author of seven books, Leave It to Boomer, The Empty Nest Chronicles, Grandfather Knows Best, Nini and Poppie’s Excellent Adventures, Every Day Is Saturday, One for the Ageless and his latest, The Good Humor Man: Tales of Life, Laughter and, for Dessert, Ice Cream, all of which are “crimes against literature.” He has won nine awards from the National Society of Newspaper Columnists for his humorous writing.