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Jase Graves

It's Winter O'Clock in Texas

By Jase Graves

Now that I’ve recovered from my yearly disappointment in not having a white Christmas in East Texas (unless you count the massive accumulation of almond bark I ate), the time of year has finally arrived when we Texans occasionally have our winter-precip sensitivities triggered by the National Weather Service.

Over the course of one recent day, we were notified of a Winter Storm Warning, a Winter Weather Advisory, a Winter Storm Watch and an It’s-Not-Going-To-Do-Anything-You-Bunch-Of-Rednecks Alert.

This meant that we immediately inflicted shock and awe on Walmart’s bread and milk shelves, frantically prepping to binge on carbs and lactose, which provided us with the energy needed to drag our shorts and tank tops back out of storage the next day. 

You see, here in East Texas, and in much of the South, we don’t really have “winter” in the traditional sense of sustained temperatures below the armpit-sweating point. In fact, witnessing snow here is about as rare as finding a bottle of water that isn’t half empty and three days stale in one of my three semi-grown daughters’ bedrooms.

But when it does happen, East Texans tend to fall into one of two camps (or RV parks). There are those of us who get excited about the prospect of a mild disruption to the daily grind of work and school — replaced with a day or two lounging by the fireplace (or the burn pile), enjoying the transformed landscape and laughing at our pets as they try to navigate their outdoor potty time without freezing off something important. Then there are those with utter disdain for any weather event that doesn’t require sunscreen, extra deodorant and the potential for chafing.

I align with those who enjoy a few fleeting days of winter weather. I’ve always said that I’d rather be cold than hot — because I can always put on more clothes, but I can only take off so many before I run the risk of inflicting psychological damage on my family and neighbors.

And speaking of clothes, I think winter apparel is more fun to wear — mainly because it effectively disguises my love handles. When I’m sporting my imitation flannel shirt and my imitation Carhartt jacket with imitation sheepskin trim, I can imagine I’m on a ranch in Montana like one of the wranglers from the “Yellowstone” television series — minus the manual labor and manure.  Summer clothes, on the other hand, mainly make me look like I just ran from a burning building in the middle of the night and threw on what I could find on my way out — revealing that I’ve spent most of my life skipping “leg day” at the gym (but never Taco Tuesday).

Speaking of tacos, even a slight chance of winter weather inspires most Texans to make chili, chicken and dumplings, stew or other “comfort” foods that are most comforting to the bottom line of Ozempic. None of it is good for your health, but your love handles will appreciate it.

So I encourage you to enjoy the variety of a little East Texas winter weather if you can. And if you just can’t stand it, wait a few minutes. You’ll be chafing again in no time.      

—Jase Graves

Jason (Jase) Graves is a national award-winning humor columnist, a married father of three daughters, a lifelong resident of Longview, Texas, and a Texas A&M Aggie. He writes about home and family issues from a humorous perspective for the Cagle Cartoons syndicate and his blog. Other than writing, his primary hobby is sleeping as late as possible. His winning Nickie’s Prize for Humor Writing essay, “The Sisterhood of the Giggling Rants,” is included in Sisters! Bonded by Love and Laughter, published by the Erma Bombeck Writers’ Workshop. His piece, “Victoria’s Worst-Kept Secret,” is included in Chicken Soup for the Soul: My Crazy Family.

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