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By Jerry Zezima

I was born during a blizzard, I am all wet even during droughts and, perhaps a contributing factor to global warming, I am full of hot air.

This alone would qualify me to be a television weather expert.

But I have made it official by buying a rain gauge and an outdoor thermometer and hygrometer. I also have the world’s most impressive meteorological instrument — a Vermont weather stick — which is why I am now a proud if somewhat foggy CBS-2 First Alert Weather Watcher.

My job is to alert the weather team at Channel 2 in New York if it’s raining, snowing, sleeting, misty, drizzly, sunny, cloudy, partly sunny, partly cloudy, windy, breezy, cold, chilly, mild, warm or hot here at the Last Alert Weather Center, which happens to be in my backyard.

I also have to record how much precipitation we got during either a rain event (using my trusty rain gauge) or a snow event (using a less trusty tape measure that keeps snapping back before I can get an accurate measurement).

Whatever it’s doing, in modern weather parlance, it’s an “event.”

Another important piece of meteorological information is relative humidity, which I can see on the hygrometer. My closest relative, even when it’s not humid, is my wife, Sue, who thinks I’m balmy, no matter what the weather is.

“Welcome to the team,” meteorologist Justin Lewis, the weather producer at Channel 2, told me over the phone after I signed up.

“Thanks,” I said. “I’d like to report that it’s partly cloudy here.”

“Did you have a shower?” Justin asked.

“I took one this morning,” I told him.

“No, I mean, did it rain?” he wondered.

“I didn’t notice,” I answered. “I’ll have to check the rain gauge.”

It was agreed that I have to be more observant to be a good Weather Watcher.

“Sometimes,” Justin confided, “all you need is a window.”

Of course, the First Alert team at Channel 2 — including veterans John Elliott and Vanessa Murdock, new guy Tony Sadiku and my weather hero, Lonnie Quinn — have much more sophisticated equipment.

“We use satellites and computers,” Justin said. “And we have different forecasting models, like the GFS model and the European model.”

“My favorite European model is Heidi Klum,” I said. “Is she on the team?”

“No,” Justin replied. “She’s from Germany, which is a little out of our coverage area. But when she’s in New York, I hope she watches us.”

Channel 2 has about a thousand Weather Watchers (registration is free), although I am probably the only one with a Vermont weather stick, a thin piece of balsam fir from the Green Mountain State that rises or falls depending on moisture in the air.

“It’s low-tech but pretty impressive,” said Justin, who added that one of the most outstanding Weather Watchers is a woman named Elena, who sends in her meteorological observations with pictures of her dog.

“My late pooch, Lizzie, was a good forecaster,” I said. “She could tell if we were going to have a thunderstorm long before it arrived. She’d hide under the coffee table.”

Justin said his dog, Daisy, could be a Weather Watcher.

“She never used to react to thunder, but now that she’s 5, she does,” said Justin, who’s 40.

“My boyhood dog was named Daisy,” I told him. “She could have been on your team, too.”

Roosters could also be Weather Watchers. That’s because Justin has to get up at 1 a.m. so he can be in the studio at 2.

“Do you get up with the roosters?” I asked.

“No,” Justin answered. “They get up with me.”

One human who’s not an official Weather Watcher, because she has direct access to the forecast, is Justin’s wife, Caitlyn.

“Every now and then, she will say, ‘Hey, you said it was supposed to rain and it didn’t.’ She’s tough,” Justin said. “But she appreciates what I do.”

“My wife thinks my head is in the clouds,” I said. “Even when it’s sunny.”

“If you really want to be an accurate Weather Watcher,” Justin said, “you should get another dog.”

“I have a better idea,” I told him. “Let’s call Heidi Klum.”

—Jerry Zezima

Jerry Zezima writes a humor column for Tribune News Service, which distributes it to newspapers nationwide and abroad. He is also the author of seven books, Leave It to Boomer, The Empty Nest Chronicles, Grandfather Knows Best, Nini and Poppie’s Excellent Adventures, Every Day Is Saturday, One for the Ageless and his latest, The Good Humor Man: Tales of Life, Laughter and, for Dessert, Ice Cream, all of which are “crimes against literature.” He has won nine awards from the National Society of Newspaper Columnists for his humorous writing.