Blogs

By January Ornellas

On the last day of the Erma Bombeck Writers’ conference, I had a few hours free, so I decided to go for a run.

I jogged on the trail just above the river. The sun was shining, and the blue sky was filled with puffy clouds. I breathed in the fresh air, feeling the calm wash over me.

I was all alone.

And then about ten yards ahead, in the middle of the trail, there he was.

Standing and staring.

A gigantic Canadian Goose.

I slowed my pace, expecting him to move.

Instead, his beady eyes followed me and he ruffled his gray feathers in a most unwelcoming way.

“Um, I’m just going to squeeze by,” I said, letting him know my plan.

Goose Etiquette 101: Always state your intentions.

He didn't budge. 

Would it have killed him to scooch?

“Fine, I’ll run on the side of the trail,” I said. 

I veered off onto the very edge of the trail, giving him more than enough personal space.

I can not emphasize how accommodating I was being.

And how did this goose thank me?

He charged at me!

For those of you who have never been charged by a goose, it’s terrifying.

The pecky beak, the incessant honking, the deceptively fast feet.

It was like a high-stakes game of “Duck, Duck, Goose.”

Still, you’re probably thinking, It’s just a goose!

The name itself, “goose” conjures up images that are both fun and frivolous.

Oh, you silly goose!

But trust me, there was NOTHING silly about this goose.

This goose was all business.

And his business was MURDER!

(Okay, maybe not murder, but he definitely wanted to peck my eyes out.)

HONK! HONK! HONK!

I turned and sprinted, his little webbed feet hot on my tail.

Finally, after several yards, he stopped.

I too, stopped, and caught my breath.

Once again, he had positioned himself smack in the middle of the trail.

We stared at each other, daring the other to move.

Goose took a step forward, and even though my heart was racing, I did the same.

We had a real game of “Chicken” going on.

Or in this case, “Goose.”

Don’t let him intimidate you, I reminded myself. Remember, you’ve literally eaten his relatives.

I tentatively stepped towards him, trying not to lose my nerve.

Or my bladder control.

Clearing my throat, I spoke loudly, “Hey, I’m not scared of—”

HONK! HONK! HONK!

I squealed and bolted.

After about a minute, he finally stopped chasing me, but continued to honk at me in a very aggressive manner.

(Sidenote: I now know why the car designers modeled the car horn after a goose. Much more effective than, say, the coo of a dove.)

Okay, time for a new plan.

I would wait until Goose was distracted and then I would sneak through the grass on the side of the trail.

Finally, after about five minutes, Goose turned his gaze from me and faced the river.

When it appeared that Goose was deep in thought, I tip-toed through the swampy grass.

“Nice Goosey-Goose,” I whispered, keeping one eye on him.

I was almost past him when Goose whipped his goosey neck around and his little orange feet came darting at me. His wings and his mouth were flapping, and his eyes were filled with rage.

It was shocking how such a hateful bird could produce such smooth vodka.

“AAAARGH!” I screamed, as he chased me completely off the sidewalk.

I had no choice but to sprint across the street.

HONK! HONK! HONK!

(Those were car horns.)

The good news is that I made it safely to the other side without getting hit.

Or eaten.

But the even better news is that I can now answer the age-old question....

Why did the chicken cross the road?

—January Gordon Ornellas

January Gordon Ornellas is a comedy writer whose stories include everything from colonoscopies to triathlons (equally torturous). Her article, “Rookie’s Triathlon Lessons,” appeared in the LA Times (June 2019). Two of her other stories, “Gobble, Gobble” and “Almost Taken,” were recently published in Chicken Soup for the Soul: Laughter is the Best Medicine (April 2020), and another four can be found in Chicken Soup for the Soul: Too Funny! (April 2022). She won honorable mention in the global humor category in the 2022 Erma Bombeck Writing Competition and is currently working on a book, Confessions of a Crazy Softball Mom. January also enjoys writing for her blog (midlifebloomer.com), traveling and spending time with her husband and two adult daughters.