Blogs

By Charla Schafer

I think, if honest, we would admit that our funeral is our final opportunity to host; but sadly, the details of this important event are often left in the hands of amateurs.

At my house, I live with four men — a husband and three college-age sons. The thought of what they would plan is appalling. I imagine if left to his own accord, my accountant-husband would send out an RFP to local funeral homes and award the honors to the lowest bidder. I can see it now; my final farewell will be held at Ed’s Grocery and Crematorium — “a one-stop shop for cooking up dinner and your loved one.”

In order to limit their influence on my funeral arrangements I have outlined a few of my wishes:

• To get in a final win, I want to be cremated. It will prove wrong my mother-in-law, who said I couldn’t bake.
• And my ashes shall be intermixed in our family vacuum cleaner so I can always be near. Vacuum bag inventory shows no one, other than me, knows how to empty the bag.
• I want bouncers. There will be a short “Exclusion List” that I have prepared. I don’t want a few people that have been a pain-in-my-backside attending my funeral just to make themselves feel better about how they treated me. To be clear, this funeral is not being held for others to find their redemption. 
• My Dad always said I have “kind hair,” the “kind” that grows around a dog’s rear-end, as it was always untamed. So, rather than actual pictures, I will have prepared a lengthy slideshow where I have photoshopped my face on people at historic events. Move over, John Glenn — it seems I have had a rather impressive life of global, as well as interstellar, success.
• My music will include a karaoke video of me singing the “Greatest American Hero” theme song. The lyrics aptly include the following: “Look at what’s happened to me. I can’t believe it myself. Suddenly I’m up on top of the world… It should have been somebody else.”
• And, the most important component, I want one of my sons during the funeral to text some in attendance from my cell phone and say, “Thank you for coming; it means a lot to me.” And, for a few that are noticeably missing from the room, a quick text… “Hmmm. My funeral is going on right now. I guess our friendship was a clear misunderstanding.”

Yes, you will want to get your reservations early. That way if you find yourself on the Exclusion List, there will still be time to make amends and secure your seat.

—Charla Schafer

Charla Schafer is a serial underachiever, a 2024 winner of the Erma Bombeck Writing Competition in the global humor category, and a disappointing example of a mother. Over the years, she has forgotten to pick up two of her children from preschool; has told her 10-year-old to “walk off” a broken leg; and asked for a table for four at a restaurant when she has five in her family. She has been married for 35 years to her first husband, John. They have three sons who have managed, despite her, to grow into adults. Charla’s day job is serving as the president at the Community Foundation of Greater Muscatine. The foundation focuses on affecting strategic community change. She previously served as the executive director of Muscatine Center for Social Action, a non-profit that houses the homeless and offers housing stability services and domestic violence sheltering. Prior to that, she spent her career in banking.