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By Jan Marshall

If they don’t want me to tango in the market, why do they play music? And why do they think it's necessary to call the authorities?

The audacity! How can one not boogie with our basket when the music moves us?

I once met a man in fresh produce and we disco danced over to frozen foods. If it weren’t for that uptight sheriff, we’d still be defrosting together. It’s difficult to dance to the Saturday Night Fever theme song in handcuffs as my former partner and cellmate can attest and knows better than anyone since the hand movements are essential to our choreography. 

Now that I’ve switched to food delivery after my incarceration and am now (not to brag and please do not be envious of my status), a Prime member. I know, I know: life isn’t fair, but I happen to be extremely prime. 

So usually I dance as soon as I see the Amazon delivery guy, but he drives away too quickly. Why I bothered to wear my glittery bodice top hat and tutu is a good question! Frustrating!

Perhaps when I become a celebrity and then start to fade into semi-oblivion, I will go on Dancing With The Stars. If I win, I will thank or demean Vons, Stater Bros, Ralphs, Sprouts and Mother’s Whole Foods but not my one true love, Trader Joe’s, the only market thus far that has not had me arrested! And they offer free food samples, which are needed after my extraordinary performance in the spice aisles.

Bless T. Joe’s.

Usually, my delivery guy makes his getaway quickly and leaves all the packages next to the door.

Except for that one time when he knocked. I thought at last I’d have an in-house dance partner. Alas, no! Apparently because I had ordered a liter of champagne as a gift for my friend’s anniversary, he ridiculously needed my ID to prove I wasn’t underage and too young to purchase alcohol.

That’s aside from the fact that I live in a restricted senior community where the minimum age is 55 and one of our residents is 105 and that my face has more wrinkles than a shirt left in a dryer for decades. He still insisted on proof.

Thankfully my lover Methuselah woke from his nap and confronted the guy, who then ran like hell. We retrieved our groceries, had dinner and happily soaked our dentures together, a favorite romantic ritual.

— Jan Marshall

Jan Marshall’s life’s work is devoted to humor and healing through books, columns and consulting. A humorist and television host, she is a Certified Master Hypnotherapist. In 1986 she founded the International Humor & Healing Institute. Her board members included Norman Cousins, Steve Allen, Dr. Bernie Siegel and John Cleese, plus other physicians and entertainers.