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Jan Marshall

Lottery Sweeps By My House — Again

By Jan Marshall

The Super Lottery Sweepstakes swept by my house yet again.

SO I canceled the yacht. Asked escrow to void my purchases of the three additional Beverly Hills mansions and even sadly, voided the Malibu Beach property. More heartbreakingly even had to renege on the full scholarships, food and shelter for a lifetime to youngsters and oldsters in the universe — well, at least temporarily

No, as was revealed cruelly on television once again, I did not win the lottery though I’m so used to winning.

I won the Miss America contest, the Pulitzer, an Oscar, plus first prize in a prestigious California Library writing contest

Now that I recall, and I don’t recall much, only one of those is true. Yes, it was our library event.. My winning  entry was a letter to Ben Franklin, purportedly from his mother, and she was even better than me in the field of nagging, which seems impossible frankly!

I guess it was presumptuous of me to believe that I, even with my good intentions, would have been declared the billion dollar winner.

I also always enter the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes. Even purchased 380 magazine subscriptions thinking it would help. It didn’t.

I missed my son’s wedding because I wanted to be home in case they, PCHS, came calling with my windfall.

I dated the mailman thinking he had the power to, you know, deliver the goods. (We stayed in and ordered food. And yes, my Mr. Postman delivered alright, but nothing I want to discuss here.)

I still didn’t win. Plus the  amount I spent on wheelbarrows to carry the dough to the bank would astound even Wall Street big spenders!

I finally lost hope because I’ve been entering since 1985 at a cost of $48,000.

And then, HOLY MOLY! 

I JUST WON $2 in the Mega Millions Lottery! 

PLEASE! I need a minute to process this. WOWIE!!!

With these funds I will donate to my numerous charities, including the half-price sale at Nordstrom’s Women’s Department. 

Until the check is safely deposited — because this is too big a burden to decide by myself, in addition to being aware how great wealth can corrupt, though I am not actually aware but I’ve heard — I’ve hired financial advisors, tax consultants and criminal attorneys in case I choose not to reveal my good fortune to the IRS. They will be part of the foundation formed to determine who and what is worthy of my donations.

For your information and requests, please send your contact information along with a $1,000 entry fee to: ”2 Buck ChuckyCheese Keep your Hands Off My Buns, Corporation.”

Good luck!

— Jan Marshall

Jan Marshall’s life’s work is devoted to humor and healing through books, columns and consulting. A humorist and television host, she is a Certified Master Hypnotherapist. In 1986 she founded the International Humor & Healing Institute. Her board members included Norman Cousins, Steve Allen, Dr. Bernie Siegel and John Cleese, plus other physicians and entertainers. She wrote the satirical survival book, Dancin’ Schmancin’ with the Scars: Finding the Humor No Matter What! As a survivor, she donates a percentage of book profits to the American Cancer Society, American Brain Tumor Association, Wounded Warriors and The Laguna Woods Village Foundation. She's also written two children's books, The Littlest Hero and The Toothbush Who Tried To Get Away.

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