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By January Gordon Ornellas

Last Saturday, at 3 p.m., Steve and I decided to throw a Derby party.

The Kentucky Derby started at 4, so we really needed to get moving.

The first thing you need to do when throwing a Derby party is select your horses.

The selection of the horses went rather quickly as Steve and I were the only two attending the party. Steve picked Angel of Empire. “I like his odds,” he said.

I chose Tapit Trice. “I like alliteration.”

The next thing to do when preparing for a Kentucky Derby party is to make Mint Juleps.

Mint Juleps are the official drink of the Kentucky Derby.

The name implies that they will taste like a liquid Thin Mint.

They do not.

However, the good news is that Mint Juleps require only four ingredients: bourbon, simple syrup, mint and crushed ice.

The bad news is, the main ingredient, bourbon, is gross. I mean, unless you like drinking turpentine.

However, the simple syrup, which is basically sugar water, is delicious! (Just ask any hummingbird.) Plus, if you add enough simple syrup, you can barely taste the turpentine bourbon.

Some additional good news: The recipe required that I muddle the mint. More alliteration! 

This party was really shaping up.

We took our Mint Juleps into the family room.

After setting down the drinks, I turned to Steve. “We need hats!”

I’m pretty sure not wearing a hat while watching the Kentucky Derby is a felony.

I’m kidding.

It’s only a misdemeanor.

We ran into the laundry room and grabbed hats off the hat rack. 

Mine was “beachy.” His was “day laborer.”

Close enough.

“Cheers!” Steve said as we clinked glasses.

He picked up the remote, and that’s when we both stared at the screen.

“We may have a problem,” he said.

A week earlier we had canceled our YouTube TV subscription because they were now charging $79 a month and Steve had convinced me by saying, “Seriously, when do we really need live TV?”

Um, right about now.

That’s when we started scrambling. We had ten minutes to find a service that would provide live Derby action. Both of us searched and scrolled, but no luck.

Finally, I found the NBC app. “If we sign up for a free trial, we’ll be able to watch it,” I said.

Steve checked the time. “It’s 3:57. By the time we get it, the race will be over.”

Damn those fast horses!

“We could text someone for a play by play,” I said. 

Our friend and fellow Derby enthusiast, Bill, was thrilled to be that guy.

Well, maybe not thrilled, but he said he’d do it.

At 4 p.m., we got our first text. “And they’re off!”

A buzz of excitement filled the room.

“I bet they’re running fast!” I said.

“Really fast!” Steve said, nodding.

Then we sat in silence for a while just imagining how fast the horses were really going.

I checked my phone, expecting to see some live updates, like, “Tapit Trice has taken the lead,” or “Angel of Empire and Tapit Trice are neck and neck.”

Nothing.

“What an exciting race!” Steve said.

“A real nailbiter,” I agreed.

We continued to sit, visualizing our horses racing down the stretch. This party really tested your imagination.

“Come on, Tapit Trice!” I yelled at the blank TV.

“You got this, Angel of Empire!” Steve pumped his fist at the screen of nothingness.

Thirty seconds later, our phones beeped.

One word.

“Mage.”

“Is that secret horse lingo?” I asked.

Steve scanned his notes. “Nope, that’s the winner.”

What kind of name is Mage?!

And where was the colorful commentary and dramatic finish?

Mage is coming strongly on the outside! Angel of Empire is trying to hold him as they come down the final 16th. They’re neck and neck, but it’s Mage who will win the Kentucky Derby!

All we got was, “And they’re off.”

And two minutes later, “Mage.”

I don’t want to burst Bill’s bubble, but I don’t think he has what it takes to be a Derby announcer.

We, on the other hand, clearly had what it took to throw an amazing Derby Party. Sure, we lacked the actual seeing of the race, but our lively banter, the festive hats, and the themed cocktails more than made up for it.

Steve and I clinked our glasses in celebration, and I took a sip of the sweet turpentine.

Not bad.

Also, Sweet Turpentine would be a great name for a horse.

— January Gordon Ornellas

January Gordon Ornellas is a comedy writer whose stories include everything from colonoscopies to triathlons (equally torturous). Her article, “Rookie’s Triathlon Lessons,” appeared in the LA Times (June 2019). Two of her other stories, “Gobble, Gobble” and “Almost Taken,” were recently published in Chicken Soup for the Soul: Laughter is the Best Medicine (April 2020), and another four can be found in Chicken Soup for the Soul: Too Funny! (April 2022). She won honorable mention in the global humor category in the 2022 Erma Bombeck Writing Competition and is currently working on a book, Confessions of a Crazy Softball Mom. January also enjoys writing for her blog (midlifebloomer.com), traveling and spending time with her husband and two adult daughters.