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By January Gordon Ornellas

Whenever I book a flight, I always end up in Group 7.

Even when I check in 24 hours ahead of time, ON THE DOT! 

Tappity-tappity-tap-tap-tap! (That’s me typing like a madman, hoping to beat my fellow passengers, and secure a decent boarding number.) But when my boarding pass pops up…

GROUP 7!

(Am I competing against professional typists?)

Group 7 is the equivalent of being picked last in PE.

Except the ticket agents are the captains, and not only do they not want me on their team, they don’t think I deserve any overhead bin space.

But I’m not always in Group 7. Sometimes, I’m Group E.

“E” as in EVERYONE gets to board, but you!

This is why I decided it was time to try a new airline… 

Delta.

When my boarding pass popped up, I almost fell out of my chair.

MAIN CABIN #2! 

Are you kidding me?!

It was like I was a silver medalist.

Delta likes me! They really like me!

I stood at my gate, beaming, boarding pass in hand, facing upward, in perfect scanning position.

“In just a few minutes, we will begin boarding,” the agent announced in a cheery voice.

I extended my arm back and positioned my carry-on, so it was ready to roll. My right leg was forward, knee slightly bent. Obviously, I had already stretched. 

“We will start with our Delta One passengers,” the agent gushed, blowing them kisses.

That must be their fancy name for First Class.

That’s okay, Main Cabin One will be next, and then, Moi!

After all the fancy pants people boarded, the agent announced, “Active Military, you may now board.” She saluted them.

Not going to argue that one. Also, thank you for your service.

I edged forward. Any moment she’ll be calling the good folks of Main Cabin #2.

“First Class and Delta Premium, you may now board.” The agent gave them a round of applause.

I thought Delta One was First Class?! And what’s this Delta Premium you speak of?

More fancy, smug people boarded.

But I didn’t lose faith. I was so close.

“We now invite our Diamond Medallion members to board,” the agent beamed.

I sighed.

As if I could compete with a club based on diamonds and medallions.

However, most of the Diamond Medallion members were wearing neither diamonds nor medallions, so obviously it was a club based on lies.

“Families with small children, you may now board,” the agent said, giving a thumbs up to the frazzled parents and their screaming toddler, who kept neither his hands nor his bronchial cough to himself.

But I had bigger problems. The herd had thinned, and overhead bin space was diminishing. I knew I had to get the ball rolling.

I raised my fist in the air. “Main Cabin! Main Cabin! Main Cabin!” I chanted, trying to engage my fellow main cabin passengers. But they were a listless bunch, completely devoid of team spirit.

I slumped against a pillar as the agent welcomed, “Delta Comfort.” 

Still smiling, but with her enthusiasm waning, she announced, “Sky Priority, you may board.” 

A bunch of average Joes shuffled past me.

I’m losing to these guys?

“We will now board Main Cabin #1,” she said, forcing a smile.

The below-average Joes boarded.

When there was only us riff-raff left, the agent yawned, “Main Cabin #2…  I guess.”

I dragged myself over to the agent. After scanning my boarding pass, she said, “We’re out of overhead bin space, so you’ll need to—”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” I sighed, handing her my carry-on.

That’s what happens when you’re in Main Cabin #2.

Which is the equivalent of Group 9.

Also known as Group I.

And we all know what “I” stands for…

I can’t believe I was excited about Main Cabin #2!

— January Gordon Ornellas 

January Gordon Ornellas is a comedy writer whose stories include everything from colonoscopies to triathlons (equally torturous). Her article, “Rookie’s Triathlon Lessons,” appeared in the LA Times (June 2019). Two of her other stories, “Gobble, Gobble” and “Almost Taken,” were recently published in Chicken Soup for the Soul: Laughter is the Best Medicine (April 2020), and another four can be found in Chicken Soup for the Soul: Too Funny! (April 2022). She won honorable mention in the global humor category in the 2022 Erma Bombeck Writing Competition and is currently working on a book, Confessions of a Crazy Softball Mom. January also enjoys writing for her blog (midlifebloomer.com), traveling and spending time with her husband and two adult daughters.