Blogs

By Raymond Reid

I don’t know how the Facebook Marketplace knows so much about me. When I was looking online for a pressure washer a while back, Facebook Marketplace advertised a pressure washer nozzle for my water hose. Its video showed it cleaning a deck, a pickup truck, a driveway and a brick house. When it finally arrived (from China), I attached it to my water hose with great anticipation. I didn’t want to damage the paint on the car so I aimed the “pressure washer” at the wheels. The water never got to the wheels. It dribbled out just beyond my feet. 

I was furious. But like most men, I don’t like to return things. Too much trouble repackaging and standing in line at the post office. So I just threw it away and swore I would not buy anything else promoted on the Facebook Marketplace. But FB keeps trying. I don’t know how they found out about my snoring. Only my wife knows. And maybe the people in the next room last month at the Holiday Inn Express. 

So what pops up on Facebook yesterday? “A marketplace listing you may like is available.” Shown (with a man wearing it of course) was the Anti-Snore Chin Strap Sleep Belt. It comes in blue and straps under your chin, around your ears and is then Velcroed to the top of your head. If it came with a wire mesh mouthpiece, it would make me look like Hannibal Lecter in “Silence of the Lambs.” 

Otherwise, all I would need is a white night cap to look like a 170-pound Smurf doll. But at least I wouldn’t snore. How could I? The chin strap would hold my mouth shut. Tight. So there would be no kissing my wife good night. Or even telling her good night. Because you can’t talk with your mouth shut. Or breathe either. Or snore. 

 So you have to sleep while breathing through your nose. So what if your nose is stopped up like mine usually is, and you can’t breathe through your mouth OR your nose? Then what happens? The pressure has to go somewhere. So either my head explodes or my ears blow off. Or both. 

 So I am not going to order the Anti-Snore Chin Strap Sleep Belt. And after my wife reads this column, I’m sure she will agree with my decision.

  At least I think she will…

-Raymond Reid

Raymond Reid is a national award-winning humor columnist. He can be contacted at rreid7@triad.rr.com