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Winning! In a Way...

By Cindy Eastman

I’m the Susan Lucci of the Erma Bombeck Writing Contest — always an entrant, never a winner. When the results of the latest contest were released recently, I was not among the finalists. Again.

A conference registration is included along with the winning status, so in the past when I didn’t win — I didn’t go. I’ve been wanting to go to this conference for ages so it was time I made it possible. Two years ago, I finally decided to quit risking the “enter to win” gambit and register for the conference like a big girl. (Oh, wait…did I cause the pandemic? Sorry...).

Although that conference was still held online and I did go, I was yearning to attend a “real” one. When the next biennial conference notice arrived in my Inbox, I registered again. And even though I officially registered, I still entered the writing contest — the pull is just too strong.

Why do I do it? I’ve always said, I’d write anyway, whether or not anyone read my work. Of course, I prefer others to read — and enjoy — my work, but still I write. As anyone who’s taken a writing class from me knows, I believe that writing is simply a way to process and make meaning of one’s life. Writing is not the domain of a higher echelon of Writers, but the process by which the rest of us mere mortals can communicate what’s in our hearts and heads to others — or just for ourselves.

In the middle of my last writing class, while the students were completing a freewrite, I checked my email for the umpteenth time — the results were due any minute. The discussion that day had been about legitimizing our work and needing affirmation for the time and effort we put towards our writing practice. The freewrite might have been about how to make our writing time sacred or some similar desire and my students, via Zoom, were busy writing their thoughts. And then the email popped up: “Unfortunately, your essay was not chosen...”

And in one of those “Oh. Right.” moments, I realized pining to win a contest to legitimize my work was an exercise in frustration. There I was, in the middle of a writing class with other writers sharing their work and I had to laugh at myself. This makes me legitimate. This is my work and my heart’s desire and my craft. The affirmation I was looking for was right in front of me. I really love those moments, don’t you?

However, I still love my entry and as I am wont to do when I lose, I post them on my blog. (Why have a blog if not to publish your own work?) Not so much for the sour grapes of disappointment, but the sweet wine of success. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did!

My Super Powers

Driving with my husband one day, I saw — once again — a woman on her cell phone while she was attempting a left turn, potentially right into our path. Annoyed, I grumbled, “I wish I had the superpower to make that woman hang up!” To which my husband replied, “That’s what you’d use your superpowers for?”

He had a point: there are many more important concerns for which I could use a superpower or two. But this begs the question: Do I use my superpowers for good or evil? How to choose? Let’s look at the options:

The Power of Telekinesis:
Good — If I had the power of telekinesis, that would take care of the cell phone thing. There are just way too many distracted drivers out there.

Evil — This could actually be quite handy if I needed to influence someone’s including me in their will or convince the officer of my innocence (She’s not the offender you’re looking for...)

The Midas Touch:
Good — This is probably the superpower my husband was referring to.

Evil — Using the power to turn everything into gold — well, we all know how that turns out when people use it for exclusively personal reasons.

Mindreading:
Good — Hmmmm…this one’s a slippery slope. I’d be a champ on Jeopardy, but I’d also be privy to things better left unknown. Like what my husband’s thinking when we’re — well, you know. That would be evil. No thanks.

The Power of Spelling:
Good — I already possess this power. I know from experience that not all restaurant owners are happy to be made aware of typos in their menus. But what’s a girl to do when confronted with the option of a candid almond torte or a Grand Mariner after-dinner cordial? (Candid almonds are the ones that say, “Shouldn’t you stick with the salad?”)

Evil — no evil. Just learn to spell, people.

The Power to Influence World Events:
Good —The power to influence world peace would be good, I just don’t think that it should fall on one person to do it. The whole point of world peace is that we work together to achieve it.

Evil — Evilly speaking, I suppose I could take over the world, force everyone to get along, send all the billionaires to space and appropriate their bank accounts to eradicate hunger. Actually, that sounds good. 

All in all, I’d probably use my superpowers for good, as using it for evil would be too stressful. Evildoers seem way too unhappy to me. With great power comes great responsibility and I’m up to the challenge.

I’m going to need a cape.

— Cindy Eastman

Cindy Eastman is an award-winning author whose first book, Flip-Flops After 50: And Other Thoughts On Aging I Remembered To Write Down is a collection of essays on getting older. She is the creator of the “Writual” writing program and has presented nationally at the Story Circle Network Women's Writing Conference. She is a contributor to Laugh Out Loud: 40 Women Humorists Celebrate Then and Now…Before We Forget published in association with the University of Dayton’s Erma Bombeck Writers’ Workshop. Her work is also included in Fast, Fierce Women, an anthology edited by Gina Barreca and published by Woodhall Press.

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