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Commercially Speaking

By Jan Marshall

While watching television commercials in lockdown I noticed a trend of “cautions.” 

For instance, the possible side effects of most medical products seem worse than any illness one can experience.

After viewing several episodes of Chicago Med and once seeing the actor playing Dr. Kildare at a gas station when fuel was 32 cents a gallon I am obviously qualified to advise you of the possible consequences of ingesting certain remedies. 

From my notes:

* This vitamin supplement may causing severe sweating and your partner may demand you be hosed down before entering your manor while being accompanied by a Hazmat crew.

* Drinking pure almond milk may cause hate mail from cows.

* Be aware of dry mouth from this distilled water.

* Ladies may experience a one-and-a-half inch of chin hair growth after using this hormone-infused moisturizer.

* Some people using these eye drops have experienced a desire to wink at the Amazon delivery guy.

* This Rx may cause a compulsion to sort your socks every day before sundown. In severe cases, it creates an urge to buy a llama compound.

* Check with your health care provider as this drug could bring forth one’s latent skulduggery with a compulsion to dress in pirate attire at board meetings.

*If taking this pill, avoid drinking grapefruit and vodka before 6 a.m.

*Warning! This product may cause dribbling at social events.

One commercial is shown every 20 minutes on every station with professional looking doctors except for the last one. He performs a laugh and gesture that makes him seem like a Catskill comic. At least that side effect is a giant giggle for me.

Other cautions:

Is your house ugly, truly despicable??? We’ll buy it. If it’s truly disgusting, we’ll pay top dollar.

Oh, in addition we are starting a dating service so if you are ugly, truly impossible to look at without causing nausea, we can fix you up with a similar looking match. However, restaurants will request you continue wearing your mask. People are eating for goodness sakes!

My RX — turn off your TV.

— Jan Marshall

Jan Marshall’s life’s work is devoted to humor and healing through books, columns and consulting. A humorist and television host, she is a Certified Master Hypnotherapist. In 1986 she founded the International Humor & Healing Institute. Her board members included Norman Cousins, Steve Allen, Dr. Bernie Siegel and John Cleese, plus other physicians and entertainers. She wrote the satirical survival book, Dancin’ Schmancin’ with the Scars: Finding the Humor No Matter What! As a survivor, she donates a percentage of book profits to the American Cancer Society, American Brain Tumor Association, Wounded Warriors and The Laguna Woods Village Foundation. She's also written two children's books, The Littlest Hero and The Toothbush Who Tried To Get Away.

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