Skip to main content

Blogs

Panic Wrinkles

By Hillary Ibarra

Did you know every hour spent driving with a teenager takes a month off your life? Trust me, you’re gonna look and feel closer to death when they get that license.

I’m the nervous type. I don’t have the temperament that can stare death in the face every few minutes on the highway and then calmly advise my teenager to take the next exit. I have carpal tunnel syndrome from clinging to armrests while teaching my teenagers to drive. And heaven help me, I’ve only taught two thus far; I have two more kids to go!

If you have a teenage driver, I have a few tips for you, lessons learned from my hair-raising view in the passenger seat.

1. Don’t point and yell or ask stupid questions.

Pointing and shouting, “Get in that lane! That line right there!” is like running with the bulls when you have a bad knee; you’re taking chances. 

My husband uses directions such as, “Get in the far right-hand lane after the next light.” Mimicking his superior method and recalling their preschool days wistfully, I use the tune “The Wheels on the Bus” to direct, “In another two miles, you must turn right, must turn right, must turn right! To make a right turn, you must merge right. Merge, if you please!”

If your teen fails to obey your directions, asking “What the hell are you doing?!” is not constructive. Try being specific: “Why the hell didn’t you turn right?!”

2. Control your vocalizations.

Moaning, wailing, whimpering or howling as if you expect to die any moment in rush-hour traffic distracts the driver. To keep from doing this, I screw my face into hideous expressions of torment, pulling at flaps of skin with my hands. Which brings me to my next point.

3. Watch your body language and facial expressions.

Do not jam an imaginary brake, squirm like you’re sitting on fire ants, gnaw your lip, squeeze your eyes shut, or turn your head away in horror. Same goes for crossing yourself and reciting a litany of prayers. Praying is wise, but, for heaven’s sake, do it silently!

I envy my Botox-injected peers. They may be feeling abject terror, but their teen driver will be confident as they observe the immovable, placid expression on their parent’s face. Try to imagine that your face is full of botulism and fillers, too, and, though your eyes may bug out, it will appear as serene as your pet Pug’s. (And just as wrinkly because you haven’t been Botoxinated against teen drivers, but you’ll consider it when you examine your deep panic wrinkles.)

4. Repetition is useless.

Saying, “Maintain your lane!” repeatedly is like telling your kid to clear their dishes, pick up their clothes or clean their room; they will act as if they don’t know what you mean. Try giving old commands in new ways.

“Obey the life-preserving dotted line.”

“Don’t challenge the curb!”

“That truck thinks our minivan is trying to kiss it; they’re not compatible.”

5. View yourself as a risk taker.

Before you were a boring middle-aged parent driving a minivan (or a snooty, less boring middle-aged parent in a SUV). Now you are bolder than any skydiver, more daring than a whitewater rafter, more adventurous than some bungee jumper. You are, as Jon Bon Jovi put it, living on a prayer: in a car bumping over curbs, gunning toward streetlamps (because someone hit the gas by mistake while reversing), turning the wrong way down one-way streets and then zooming back across the next intersection.

As you and your teen sit hyperventilating on some side street after each heart-stopping adventure, you will eventually recover enough air to laugh together about the fact that you didn’t die.

Should you then take the wheel?

Heck no! You live for adventure, baby! Tell your teen to get back on the road!

But next time you teach a kid to drive, invest in Depends. They’ll complement your gray hair and panic wrinkles.

— Hillary Ibarra

Hillary Ibarra is the author of The Christmas List, an inspirational holiday novella based on real events. Her humor writing has appeared in New Mexico Woman and on various online sites, her favorite being Erma Bombeck Writers' Workshop. She is a contributor at CatholicMom.com and For Every Mom. When not baking, hugging trees or playing endless board games with her children, she writes about family life and adventure in the sunny Southwest at hillaryibarra.com.

Previous Post

Mother and (Grown-Up) Child Reunion

I was born more than three weeks past my due date, an act of monumental tardiness that kept my mother waiting for nearly 10 months to give birth to an 8-pound, 13-ounce baby who is even larger now but, sadly, no more mature.
Read More
Next Post

Who's Publishing What: Read, Laugh, Repeat

Author Becky Povich's story, "A Bittersweet Victory," is included in Chicken Soup for the Soul: Read, Laugh, Repeat.
Read More