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By January Gordon Ornellas

The day after my fall, I saw my doctor. Examining my bruised and swollen ankle, he shook his head and said, “We need to get you X-rays. Tell them you need these STAT!”

My eyes grew wide.

I was going to be just like a TV doctor!

Nurse, we need a new heart, STAT!

Ten minutes later, I hobbled enthusiastically into the lab and handed the receptionist my paperwork, “The doctor says he needs this…

(dramatic pause)

...STAT!”

The receptionist took my paperwork. “Okay, have a seat.”

I took a seat, but I didn’t get too comfy because as I may have mentioned, my X-rays were STAT!

In the next 15 minutes, three other people were called.

“Are your X-rays, stat, too?” I whispered to the woman leaving the room.

She ignored me.

I returned to the front desk. “Um, sorry to bother you, but I have X-rays that are stat,” I explained.

“We’ll get to you when we can,” she said.

THAT’S LIKE THE OPPOSITE OF STAT!

More names were called. I caught the eye of the receptionist. “Stat,” I mouthed as a gentle reminder.

Nothing!

Forty-five stat-less minutes later, my name was called.

The technician led me down the hall at a brisk pace.

Now, you decide to move fast.

Once in the X-ray room, she had me sit on a table and told me to hold still.

I didn’t even bother telling her that my X-rays were stat.

I did, however, ask for a lead apron since she didn’t give me one. 

What sort of operation are you running, Lady?

She sighed and half-heartedly threw me an apron.

I shook my head, visibly upset.

She probably thought I was mad about being radiated.

But all I could think was, why don’t they respect the Stat?

— January Gordon Ornellas

January Gordon Ornellas is a comedy writer whose stories include everything from colonoscopies to triathlons (equally torturous). Her article, “Rookie’s Triathlon Lessons,” appeared in the LA Times (June 2019). Two of her other stories, “Gobble, Gobble” and “Almost Taken,” were recently published in Chicken Soup for the Soul: Laughter is the Best Medicine (April 2020). She is currently working on a book, My Nest Runneth Over. January also enjoys writing for her blog (midlifebloomer.com), traveling and spending time with her husband and two adult daughters.