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By Derek Bremer

Remember being a child? Remember that magical time of self-discovery? Maybe your parents told you that your body could do amazing things. Maybe they even bought you a book dedicated to the subject that detailed weird and wonderful facts like the mysteries of the Vas Deferens or your body’s newfound propensity for shedding its uterine lining.

Middle age is no different! Similar to the changing of the leaves in autumn this time can be a glorious prelude to the beginning of the end of the rest of your life. But don’t fret! Your body can still do amazing things! They just aren’t the same amazing things your body used to do like walking up a flight of stairs without pain or eating a large lunch without losing your breath.

Puberty was a time of explosive growth, particularly when it came to hair and, in an ironic twist of fate your body has now chosen to do so again. Unfortunately this newfound growth won’t be in the locations you’d prefer them to be. Instead of gracing your thinning scalp with a lush mane you’ll find that your body will now sprout thick wiry hairs in the oddest of places. Nose hair begins to grow into, and even compliment, a mustache. Neck hair advances past the collar and onto the back. Ears and eyebrows take on the look of a blown-out party favor. You may be inclined to watch this display with horror but, instead, do so with wonder as you have a front row seat to this nuanced ballet of growth and change.

Akin to the warming glow of a fire before it subsides into embers it’s quite natural for the body’s metabolism to slow as it ages. Upon entering middle age you may notice that there’s a bit more of you than there used to be, but do not despair. Instead, exult in the abundance of your newfound flesh! Abound in the fact that there is more of you to love. Take advantage of this unique time in your life to try out, and even set, new fashion trends be it belt extenders or elastic pants or even, perhaps, a muumuu.

Of course, your slowing metabolism doesn’t necessarily mean that sleep will come easily. Much in a way that an aging lion is fiercest before it passes away your body will now fight sleep in the most ferocious way. Make your inability to rest a celebration of life in the fact that you have risen, yet again, to greet another day. Use the early hours of the morning to follow an interest that you hadn’t had time for as a younger man like carpentry or black smithery or even Tuvan throat singing! Whatever your passion your neighbors and family members will certainly appreciate this early morning celebration of life and the fact that you’re making the most of it while you still can.

As you hurtle into middle age you may discover a heightened knack for injury. This is an exciting time in a person’s life when the prospect of a serious injury lurks behind every coffee table or long flight of stairs. Even sleep, when it occurs, can be an adventure! After a horrible night’s rest it’s not unusual to discover you’ve thrown out your back, wrenched a shoulder or tweaked a hip simply through the act of lying in bed. Instead of bemoaning your declining flexibility make every stubbed toe and sore vertebrae an offering of thanks to your body’s capacity for pain and the long slow road to partial recovery.

Your changing body now also provides you with a unique opportunity to explore the wonderful world of medical science. From statins and serotonin reuptake inhibitors to hair plugs and mole removal now is the time to take advantage of all of the offerings that modern medicine has to provide. A pill or highly invasive procedure is available for whatever that ails you and it’s just a lengthy doctor’s visit away! Be it the infrequency of your erections, newly painful periods or the irregularity of your bowel movements this is the time to take pleasure in every colonoscopy and health supplement available.

Middle age can be difficult, and even terrifying, but it doesn’t have to be with the proper mindset. Much like a shooting star that is brightest just before it careens through the atmosphere and plunges to earth this time in your life is an opportunity to celebrate the beginning of your inevitable physical decline.

 — Derek Bremer

Prior to his life as a stay-at-home father Derek spent more than a decade performing various public relations and marketing functions for financial consulting firms and found the job to be precisely as exciting as it sounds. When not tending to his wife or daughter Derek enjoys subjecting the public to his unique take on fatherhood, travel and animal husbandry. He has been published in Scary Mommy, Sammiches and Psych Meds, The Good Men Project, Red Tricycle, RAZED, HPP and the anthology, It's Really Ten Months Special Delivery: A Collection of Stories from Girth to Birth.