Blogs

By Jan Marshall

These are difficult times.

My to-do list written throughout the years for that time I’d be free for chores and projects is now at the Smithsonian Museum, a historic relic next to Pinocchio’s early promises.

For some, the days are leisurely. For me, since my refrigerator knows my name, my step counter stepped out the door from exhaustion. At first this appliance would say, “Hey Jan, come take a look. You don’t have to pick anything, just look.”  Then it would taunt me to take a quick peek behind the salad, “Janny babe, remember the leftover double-sized pizza which you called phenomena since you never ever EVER have leftover pizza? Well it’s waiting for you.”

Because I’m an appliance pleaser, the pizza (plus the surrounding food) would be heated and a treat to my gourmet taste. This happened repeatedly. After a while, though, I did not need prompting and my Kenmore said, “Enough! Step away from the fridge.” I tried wearing my mask figuring it wouldn’t recognize me. That actually worked a few hundred times then my empty shelves offered me no solace.

Thankfully markets started to deliver food, which prompted a reprimand from Instacart© stating that my frequent purchases of junk food was leaving the shelves bare for other customers.

I was nostalgic.

In my reverie I recalled my romantic walks down the snack aisles and…sorry for the tears, I became lost in my memories.

In this solitude it seems my home became a war zone. The issue with my talking scale was that it wouldn’t shut up. “One at a time,” “Get off me” and then me having to call security about my now missing scale. The  guard asked me to describe mine as Laguna Woods where I live had 287 scales reported lost.

Since I didn’t have to listen constant criticism about my new chubbiness, I wrote another book called How to Turn a Tent Into a Mumu. I already have pre-orders.

After spending hours on my recliner watching television, I joined the Directors Guild since I tell most politicians where to go and how to dressing appropriately because it will be hot there.

While judging newscaster’s home décor or makeup, I give suggestions, but do they listen?

As for my own non-beauty routine during isolation, I have concluded that brown-turned-grey hair and new mustache are a small price to pay for all this wisdom and career change.

— Jan Marshall

Jan Marshall’s life’s work is devoted to humor and healing through books, columns and consulting. A humorist and television host, she is a Certified Master Hypnotherapist. In 1986 she founded the International Humor & Healing Institute. Her board members included Norman Cousins, Steve Allen, Dr. Bernie Siegel and John Cleese, plus other physicians and entertainers. Her newest satirical survival book is called Dancin’ Schmancin’ with the Scars: Finding the Humor No Matter What! As a survivor, she donates a percentage of book profits to the American Cancer Society, American Brain Tumor Association, Wounded Warriors and The Laguna Woods Village Foundation.