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Hair, There and Everywhere

Is there anyone out there

Who can teach me how to cut my hair?

My bangs no longer know their place,

Except to fall all over my face.

I can barely see where I am going,

Especially when the wind is blowing.

I guess it's good that I still care

Do it myself? I don't dare!

Well, at least there's no one here,

Who would be inclined to stare

And don't get me started on the gray,

Maybe now it's here to stay.

Though I managed to buy a great concealer,

It's in demand - I could become a dealer!

But really, don't be in distress -

They still have plenty at CVS.

I guess it's a good thing for my sanity

That I can still indulge in vanity.

The Great TP Conspiracy

TP or not TP,

That is now the question.

I'm looking for alternatives,

Do you have a suggestion?

There's not much left of anything

On the shelves of the grocery store,

But when it comes to TP

There's nothing anymore.

Paper towel, newspaper, tissues, baby wipes

Could any fill the gap?

Or aluminum foil or cardboard

Typing paper and/or gift wrap?

Maybe someone will invent

Human windshield wipers,

Designed to keep things spotless

So we don't wind up in diapers.

Or maybe some real genius

Came up with an idea

To distract us from the illness

And our all-consuming fear.

Some governmental spy-types

Might have rolls all neatly stacked,

In the bowels of the Pentagon

Rolls and rolls intact.

So that we wouldn't worry

About our current woes,

They went and hid the TP.

Where? Who really knows?

Fun, Fun, Fun, Just When You Think There's None

I want to go out but my hands are tied,

So how do I keep myself occupied?

More important, I need to laugh,

Now that the world's gone completely daft.

Animal videos make me happy,

Even the ones that are maudlin and sappy.

I love Youtube channels where animals chat,

Whether it's Pluto the schnauzer or Sylvester the cat.

Feeling down? Then this is when

You watch John Krasinski's SGN.

Getting tired of the bad news diet?

Find Chris Mann's parodies, they're a riot.

And every day or so it seem

People come up with hilarious memes.

Weird Al Yankovic just never gets old

Ze Frank's take on wildlife is brash and bold.

With Abby Goldfarb and sisters you'll never go wrong

Enjoying their Maskmakers, Maskmakers song.

I'm keeping up with The Tiger King,

Though I want to shower after watching that thing.

And I'm never too much in a hurry

To give extra pats to my cat buddy Murray.

I know there's a lot more stuff out there,

Tell your friends, be sure to share!

As for me, when I really want serious fun

I FaceTime with Levi, our new grandson.

Quarantine Quandary

So here we all are, stuck at home,

With no place to go and nowhere to roam.

Although there are aspects that aren't so bad,

It's not the most fun I've ever had.

I hope the guy next door never peeks;

I haven't worn make-up in over three weeks.

Sometimes I sneak to the grocery store,

Otherwise life is a total bore

I'm on the lookout for TP,

Willing to pay an extra fee.

And while this is surely a bitter pill,

I've enjoyed binge watching Dr. Phil.

Thank God for my phone, always close by,

I text all the time so that I can say "Hi!"

I have to remember to call folks and speak;

Before my brain has reached its peak.

My cat fills in some of the social gap,

Though he won't let me move if he's in my lap.

I'm reading and writing and walking a bit,

Trying to get myself to do more than sit.

Let's hope that this madness ends pretty soon

Hopefully some time before next June.

- Ann Green

Ann Green is a freelance writer, editor, PR consultant and tutor.