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Unless you've been living in a cave somewhere, you know the only hope for mankind surviving the Coronavirus, or COVID-19, is for all of us to properly wash our hands. (Actually, that cave thing might work, too, but I digress.)

A critical component of that hand washing protocol is that we scrub for a minimum of 20 seconds, which can be timed by singing two full renditions of "Happy Birthday."

Breaking into song in an odd setting might seem strange to some people, but if you love musical theatre as I do, nothing could make more sense. In fact, one of the most classic and innovative musical numbers was actually set in a bathroom (the executive washroom, to be precise): "I Believe in You (Gotta Stop That Man)" from How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying.

Whether you are a fellow Broadway aficionado, or are simply sick of "Happy Birthday," I offer this brief libretto of Show Tunes for Sanitation... a rewrite of some classics to include the antibacterial flavor of the times.

After all, if you're going do jazz hands, they better be clean.

Oh! Corona!

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh Corona

It's the plague that came here on a plane.

Everyone's freaked out

Purell's sold out

All the world has clearly gone insane.

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh Corona

Thanks to you our hands are squeaky clean.

We are hoarding food

And fortitude

Just in case we have to quarantine.

We know staying calm would be wise

And we're safe if we just sanitize

But then we say...

(YIKES!)

There isn't any way...

(YIKES!)

That we can stop you.

You'll get us all, Oh Corona.

Oh Corona..

O - H - C - O - R - O - N - A

Oh Corona.

YIKES!

The Phantom of Coronavirus

In coughs it came to us, from overseas

And now the panic spreads with every sneeze.

To logic and good sense, you've all gone blind.

The Phantom of Coronavirus makes you lose your mind.

You who believe the hype draw back in fear.

And buy enough T.P. to last a year.

If you just use good sense and wash your hands,

The Phantom of Corona would be gone from all the lands.

Mask-wearer, Mask-wearer

Mask-wearer, Mask-wearer. take off that mask!

It does no good. Really. Just ask.

Doctors will tell you it won't keep you well

by wearing a silly mask.

Mask-wearer, Mask-wearer, here is your task:

You bring the booze. I'll bring the flask.

We'll kill the germs all while feeling no pain

And in our good health we'll bask.

How Do You Solve a Problem Like Corona?

How do you solve a problem like Corona?

How do you find a cure and pin it down?

Science has told us how to fight Corona

So follow these guidelines or

Risk being called a clown.

Rub-a-dub-dub your hands for 20 seconds

Listen to doctors so you understand.

And in these contagious days

Refrain from the PDAs

Sneeze in your arm or get a reprimand.

Oh how do you solve a problem like Corona?

Never allow your face to touch your hand.

Don't Cry for Me COVID-19

Don't cry for me COVID-19.

The truth is I never caught you.

Despite the airplane

The crowded restaurant

I kept my hands clean

You kept your distance.

So stand at that sink and give it all you've got!

Remember, they can't buy it if you don't sell it!

- Laurie O'Connor Stephans

Laurie O'Connor Stephans is grateful to finally have a politically correct reason to break out in song in public. She also offers many non-musical selections on her blog, We B Late, which is part of her writer's website: http://laurieoconnorstephans.com.