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How can I tell you? What would be an appropriate way to state what must be said without being ridiculed. I suppose it's best to just to come to the point.

Well, okay. I am emotionally involved with azucchini plant. Oh it's not the sordid matter you imagine. Nope! As a matter of fact, it is an extremely healthy attachment.

THE FACTS: Last year I planted a garden and for the first time after several tries where weeds and gophers were my companions, a little success. Lettuce appeared, tomatoes made an appearance and then green peppers. But the absolute star of the patch of yard was the Cucurbitaceous plant, or zucchini for short, sometimes known as summer squash by intimates.

They grew to such enormous proportions that word got around, and a famous producer contacted me. He wanted to hire my zucchini to star in a disaster epic called The Squash Who Squashed Saskatchewan. I refused as Canadians are such lovely people. Also this particular food became 70 percent of our meals all summer, as my children are well aware. Those ingrates.

From just one growth I was able to prepare zucchini bread, zucchini soup, zucchini pudding and various appetizers. I even learned to stuff one zucchini with another. I did everything legal with my zucchinis.

So what did the kids say about all this creativity? They threatened to run away. They were kidding. They often say that just to make me feel good. They warned me they'd take drastic measures if I'd prepare one more "zucchini surprise."

I consulted my attorney. He said it wasn'tillegal for a child to carry a concealed zucchini while threatening his adorable mother.

How did I become so consumed with a vegetable?

Well, it is simply because I grew it myself.

I am a city girl, born and bred in Brooklyn. You remember Brooklyn, that place where when just one single tree grew, it was celebrated in a book and an Oscar winning film. Growing something green was a big deal then, and that's my dramatic childhood excuse.

These kids were born in California so how could they understand my affection for a vegetable that I alone planted and nurtured. I was also supplying food for my young 'uns. (Whyam I speaking with aKentuckyaccent?). Those zucchinis would provide nourishment for my family for many months should we ever be stranded in a Los Angeles snow storm.

Now it's another story. Because I am conserving water, my plants are disappointing. The zucchinis are not bigger than Tom's Thumb. They are so small they have to look up to gherkin pickles.

The kids are now certain prayersdocome true.

AND I WONDER, IS THAT ANYWAY TO TREAT THEIR MOTHER, THE HORTICULTURIST?

- Jan Marshall

Jan Marshall's life's work is devoted to humor and healing through books, columns and consulting. A humorist and television host, she is a Certified Master Hypnotherapist.In 1986 she founded the International Humor & Healing Institute. Her board members included Norman Cousins, Steve Allen, Dr. Bernie Siegel and John Cleese, plus other physicians and entertainers.Her newest satirical survival book is calledDancin' Schmancin' with the Scars: Finding the Humor No Matter What!As a survivor, she donates a percentage of book profits to the American Cancer Society, American Brain Tumor Association, Wounded Warriors and The Laguna Woods Village Foundation.