Blogs

We called our kitten June Carter Cash. Our other cat was named Johnny. But that's not why we added the "Cash" to her name. Here's why:

Not long after we adopted June, my husband, Ian, walked into the living room and found our kitten gagging. He yelled to me, "June's choking on her toy!" The toy was a fuzzy pom-pom with a string of yarn and a bell at the end. Nasty thing to be choking on.

I ran in and gave June some kitty-sized Heimlich thrusts. Nothing came up. So I stuck my fingers down her throat. What do you know-she didn't like that. She bit and clawed my hand.

With my bloody hand I grabbed my car keys, grasped the kitten, and ran to the car. My daughter, Lauren, ran behind me. We sped to a nearby emergency vet. June was still breathing. Great. But the object, I just knew, would be speeding its way down to her stomach. We needed to move fast!

Stupid vet. He couldn't see the toy on June's X-ray. I mean, Ian saw her choke on it. So it's inside of her somewhere, I thought. Lauren and I sped her over to another vet. We told him about the silly vet who couldn't see the toy June choked on.

The vet told us he'd put an endoscope (a tube with a camera) into her stomach to find the object and remove it. We left June at the vet for the overnight procedure.

1:35 a.m.-The phone rang. I knew it was the vet. My heart raced.

Me: Hello? How's my kitten?

Vet: Sorry.

Me: (My heart dropped) Excuse me?

Vet: Sorry, you cut out. What did you say?

Me: My kitten, how is she?

Vet: Fine. But we can't see any object other than food in her stomach.

6:30 a.m.-I went to pick up June the kitten, who the vet assistant referred to as "Butthead" for her obstinate personality (it runs in the family).

7:15 a.m.-I drove the kitten toward our regular vet for further examination.

"Maybe the object was lodged too far down," the vet said on the phone. Sure, I mean, Ian did see her choke on the ball with his own eyes.

7:20 a.m.-On my way to the third vet, my cell phone rang. I pulled the car to the curb to answer it.

Me: Yeah?

Ian: I found the toy.

Me: You what?

Yep, June never swallowed the toy. We later suspected her tooth was caught on her collar, so it looked like she was choking.

From June's perspective, she was just sitting in the sun, enjoying life, before having her little chest thrust upon, her back pounded, having fingers jammed down her throat, getting tossed into a car, being X-rayed, drugged, shaved, having a tube stuck down her throat, awaking with shaved arms and chest, and a cone around her head.

No wonder she acted like a "butthead."

I told Ian, after realizing we wouldn't be able to afford to go on the vacation we planned to Tahoe, due to the cost of this fiasco, "Hey, don't worry. Think of it as making a deposit in your karma bank."

I wanted to believe that, because of the amount of money spent on June's vet bills, we could have spent two weeks in a villa in the South of France, eating lobster and drinking champagne, every day.

And that's why we call our cat June Carter Cash.

- Michele Miles Gardiner

Michele Miles Gardiner has written for newspapers and magazines. She also has performed her true stories on stage. She enjoys storytelling, while doing her best to not take herself too seriously. Michele has recently published her first book, a collection of true stories, Craving Normal. She's working on her second book, tentatively titled, How to Become Broke and Influence Nobody - (A self-help book, if you do everything opposite of what Michele has done).