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The dark, vile, putrid side of parenting (or things no one tells you are going to happen)
1. You'll find Crayons everywhere...even in your dog's poop.
2. Birth orderhasto affect development. Baby No. 1 grew up in a quiet house that was vaccumed, smelled nice and had a well-manicured lawn. Baby No. 3 is growing up on the other side of the looking glass. She's been surrounded by pandemonium from the moment she exited the womb.
3. Kids can have as much fun in a rest stop as they can at an amusement park.
4. After your second, you lose the ability to flinch or get repulsed by drool, puke, poop or wet coughs coughed directly into your mouth.
5. You lose all coolness (I have absolutely no idea what the popular new restaurants, bars, TV shows and movies are).
6. You fantasize about hiring a babysitter and going to the nearest hotel to sit there in complete silence.
7. You learn to identify the severity of a child's cry from three rooms away.
8. You sit on wet toilet seats at least once a week.
9. Sometimes, you pretend you're asleep so your spouse has to deal with the crying baby (Note thatI'venever done that... only my wife).
10. You will be burnt, kicked in the genitals (sometimes multiple times per day), head-butted and tripped.
11. You learn to curse like hell in your head without the words coming out of your mouth.
12. You learn the magic question... "Are you making good choices right now?" And everyone always knows the answer.
- Fredrick Marion
A former columnist and staff writer at thePalm Beach PostandRocky Mount Telegram, Fredrick Marion now writes on napkins, blogs and sidewalks. He earned an English degree from Wright State University, and he's hard at work on his first children's novel with representation by The Bent Agency. He also writes a free weekly email newsletter full of writing tips. Subscribehere.