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Friday May 24, 2019

Pooh-pooh Pulitzers

I've just completed a quick scan of the 2019 Pulitzer Prize winners and did not notice my name so immortalized. Bummer.

There are 14 journalism categories, and I didn't even make it to the finalist stage in any of them. Of course, the fact that I'm not a journalist may have played a part there.

My chances were perhaps better under "Letters, Drama & Music," which includes a number of brackets that are right in my wheelhouse:

Fiction:When my wife comes home from work and asks me what I've been up to all day, I spin elaborate fictions to rival the greatest found in literature.

Drama:Once I admit how I actually spent my day, drama ensues.

History:The pathological need to camouflage and embellish my daily routine goes back decades.

Biography:Just last week I asked a cashier at the grocery store how her day was going and she proceeded to tell me her life story. Wish I'd written it all down.

Poetry:My movements around a tennis court have been described as "poetry in motion" - if by "poetry" one means free verse: obtuse and completely devoid of rhythm.

General Nonfiction:Recognizing the popularity of both spiritual and medical tracts, I self-published myminimis opus,I Know You're Up There Somewhere: The Story of Suppositories.

Music:This year's winner received the prize for her very first opera. I also composed my first opera (in a style best described asbel can't-o), entitledLibretto-maine Poisoning, in the key of E-coli. From the aria that opens Act II:

My gut took a lickin'

From undercooked chicken

I'm going through hell - wish

I'd passed on that shellfish

Mi dispiace

My face is all blotchy

Well there's always 2020 to look forward to. I think I'll have a fighting chance under the "Criticism" category since I will be subjected to quite a bit of it after my wife finds out this is what I've been up to all day.

- John Branning

John Branning lives on a lake in central Maine. Well, not exactly - he lives very close toa lake in central Maine. His humor blog, FactsOptional, lives online at JohnBranning.com. He is the author of four books: three real and one virtual. He also maintains a second, self-explanatory website: TheTrumpPoems.com.

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