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My closet and I have a love-hate relationship.

First of all, it's a dark abyss overstuffed with clothes from a 30-year span in fashion. You know what I'm referring to - fat clothes and the skinny clothes I just can't let go of....yet. I'm still holding out hope that this Whole 30 diet thing will make me thin. It would probably help, though, if I gave up my weekend wine.

I've been body shamed before, but somehow, it's even worse when my own closet betrays me. I've tried to ignore the signs, but unlike my scale, my closet never lies. The messages it has been sending lately are coming in loud and clear:

Padded shoulder jackets are NOT coming back into style, even though stirrup pants have.

The last time you wore stilettos, your ankle folded while stepping off a curb in front of Duffy's Bar. It's time to consider orthopedic footwear.

Boy George called. He wants his Fedora Flat Top back.

Those size six mom jeans are going to do more than cut off your circulation. When your brain becomes deprived of oxygen, it'll take four paramedics and the Jaws of Life to get you out of them.

Oversized, animal print totes are so yesterday. Do you really want to be mistaken for a middle-aged woman carrying around a dead zebra?

There's a reason why your Nike Air running shoes still look brand new.

It's time to sell the tight Y2K cocktail dress on Letgo.

Have you ever heard of control-top panels?

Stop wearing the sepia coat. You look like a raw spud.

A rainbow-sequined tube top. REALLY?

You might want to check out that sale on Hawaiian muumuus at Walmart this week....

Perhaps these comments are a cry for help from my closet, or just a sign that it's time to purge the abyss. Either way, I see a major clothes shopping spree in my future.

- Marcia Kester Doyle

Marcia Kester Doyle is the author of the humor book, Who Stole My Spandex? Life In The Hot Flash Lane and the voice behind the popular midlife blog, Menopausal Mother. Her work has been featured on numerous sites, including The Washington Post, Cosmopolitan, Good Housekeeping, The Huffington Post, Woman's Day, Country Living, House Beautiful, Hello Giggles and Scary Mommy, among others.