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If your life sucks, blame somebody - anybody - besides yourself.

If you're not happy, that's not on you. It's everybody else who sucks. They caused it. If you're lonely, it's because nobody understands you. You are beautiful and worthy of being loved. People just don't know how to love you for some reason. That's on them.

If you are bad at your job, it's because your boss is a jerk and incompetent. He's an aardvark. If you don't get dates, it's not because of your personality or your body odor or your fungus-infested toes. It's that no one appreciates how free-winded and physically organic you are. Organic is almost as cool as you.

If you don't have much money, it's because the free market doesn't value the right things and is too ensnarled in self-interest and shallow pursuits. It's not that what you offer to the world is not wanted by the world. If you have a stomach ache, the supermarket messed up. Their food wasn't worthy of being ingested into your innards.

If the last time you watched TV you didn't find anything interesting to watch, it's because TV programmers are dolts. They are incapable of create compelling content. It's not because you're an inane and pathetic person. You have plenty of interests that are not being addressed nor fulfilled nor contemplated by anyone else besides you. Cultivate interests that no one else has.

If you want to go to dinner at a restaurant but you don't feeling like driving there, it's not because you're lazy. It's because the raunchy restaurant didn't locate itself close enough to where you live. Chalk it up to poor planning on their part. They didn't think through your demographic well enough. Stupid people they are. They need to target you better and deliver a more personalized experience or you will continue to shun them. And that's their loss. Without you they can't survive.

If you didn't graduate from college, it's because the professors weren't provocative enough and the school's curriculum was small-minded. They lacked enlightenment and standing. If you have a fat stomach, blame the food people who cram it with sugar and lard. If you don't like what you read on Erma Bombeck's web site, it's because the writers and editors lack talent. It's not because you don't understand tomfoolery and deception.

If you don't like root beer, that's on you. Everybody likes root beer.

- Sammy Sportface

Sammy Sportface is possibly America's best blogger. He is only mildly interested in the truth. To read his new book, Wipe That Smile Off Sammy Sportface, go to Amazon.com.