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(These pieces originally appeared in Huff Post Comedy. Reposted by permission of the author.)

Happy 50th Star Trek: 'Star Trek vs. Rocky: The Wrath of Arthritis' Announced

Big announcement just confirmed as part of Star Trek's 50th anniversary celebration. In the tradition of Godzilla versus King Kong, the teaming of two giant film franchises was announced in what the studio hopes will be the blockbuster - "Star Trek vs. Rocky: The Wrath of Arthritis."

Although script details remain hush-hush, a source reports it all begins when Captain Kirk and crew pay a visit to Rocky's Philadelphia, only to get into legal trouble when they forget to shut off the turn signal light on the Star Ship Enterprise. Rocky takes offense to this "dissing" of his hometown, and the ensuing drama culminates with Rocky, despite hip replacement surgery, making his way, one last time, up the steps of the Philadelphia Art Museum.

Reports indicate that multiple corporate sponsors have signed lucrative product placement deals. In fact, a spokesman for Pfizer announced that its popular ED drug Viagra would play a prominent role in the film. "Let's just say," the spokesman said, "The term 'beam Me Up, Scotty' will take on all kinds of new meaning."

Trump/Pence Against Spanish Inquisition for Not Being English Only

After meeting Mexico's President Nieto, to show their resolve and draw a strong line against illegal immigration, the Trump/Pence campaign came out against the Spanish Inquisition for not being English Only.

Trump said this was his toughest call so far in his run for the White House, but that because the Bible's in English, so should be any torture, coercion or persecution in its name. He added, "Believe me. We'll have the best torture. It'll be huge. Believe me. Huge."

Trump/Pence campaign surrogate and a self described 'cradle Catholic' New Jersey Governor Chris Christie, speaking for the Trump/Pence campaign, said, "We've come a long way from those times, and a lot of so-called tortures should now be used to keep marriages together." Adding, "There's nothing like a good flaying or a few cracks of the whip to add spice to a marriage, as long as it's done in English."

Due to missteps on message between Governor Pence and Mr. Trump, Governor Pence did add: "As a supporter of former President Bush, I believe he did the enhanced interrogation thing right. Except where he didn't. So I agree where he was right and don't where he wasn't. That is, by the way, my position on all things. Except when it isn't. What were we talking about again?"

A-Rod Announces Retirement From Yankees, Enters Santa Anita Derby

After a stellar and controversy-fueled career in Major League Baseball, New York Yankee slugger Alex Rodriguez announced his retirement. Bidding farewell to the game, he, once again, apologized to teammates, fans and strangers who happen to be passing by for taking banned substances.

In fact, A-Rod admitted to years of taking Trenbolone, a steroid usually taken by thoroughbred horses. Now that his playing days are over, he confirmed he has returned to taking the drug and will attempt to fulfill a lifelong dream to run in the Santa Anita Derby. When asked how long he thought it would take to prepare for such a grueling challenge, A-Rod replied by stomping his foot six times on the ground, each stomp representing one month.

In related news, A-Rod's plans caused Roger Clemens and Barry Bonds to file paperwork claiming a desire to change their names to Full Count Fleet and Giant California Chrome Dome, respectively.

- Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of - winning the Nobel Peace Prize or sending Sudanese peace activist, Fatima Ahmed Ibrahim, to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of central Africa's indigenous people. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has worked as a writer and/or producer for shows on ABC, NBC, Showtime, The Disney Channel, ABC Family, VH1, LOGO and Lifetime. In addition, he's written stand-up material that's been performed on "Leno," "Letterman," "Conan" and "Last Comic Standing." His humor pieces have appeared in Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, The New Yorker, Santa Fe Writers Project Journal, Humor Times, The Higgs Weldon and Hobo Pancake. In 2015, he placed second in the National Society of Newspaper Columnists' annual column contest in the online/blog/multimedia category for his pieces in Humor Times and was named the Erma Bombeck Writers' Workshop's "Humor Writer of the Month."