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I heard plants are like people. They must be spoken to in a gentle manner.

I took elocution lessons from Ms. Manners. I enunciated every syllable. What did I get for my effort? Rotten roots, sagging stems and flaky foliage. My surviving plants don't look great either.

I have spent a fortune on plants plus food for the plants and aspirin for me. Too much sun, not enough sun, overwatering or underwatering. Whatever the reason, many plants passed on.

A relative left me a rubber plant called a Ficus Decura, which was in our family for three generations and known as "the strongest of the ficus.

Thirty-six hours after it arrived in my home, it left for the rubber plantation in the sky. Perhaps it's because one day in earshot of the Ficus I muttered, "Geez, another mouth to feed."

Could it have sensed my resentment?

Another time my Dieffenbachia wet the coffee table, and I admit I got angry and said a few choice words that required me to wash my mouth out with Tequilla. Sure enough, the thing wilted and died.

Then the Philodendron formed a fungus and was soon on its last leaf. Life, as you can see, was not a bed of roses. Next, the Creeping Charlie went, though slowly, and the Evergreen, now Puce, did not look well.

I'm embarrassed to tell you what I did. But I was desperate. I poured chicken soup in the soil. The plant seemed to rally. It said,"Oye! Oye! And then it was gone.

I bought more plants. This time I decided on complete honesty. I quoted Bronowski and said, "Nature is not mastered by force but by understanding." I told them this worked both ways. I told them sometimes I would not feel like talking and they should respect that. I think I heard applause.

I felt much better after our chat. The pressure was off me to be sweetness and light all the time. They were understanding. Except for the delicate Fern.

Once, after a particularly festive night and finding that my one silk plant had aphids, I let forth an expletive and Fern got the vapors and expired.

As for the few left, they love me for who I am - a kind, gentle, loving person. With our therapy sessions at Lowes, the rest now keep their opinions to themselves.

- Jan Marshall

Jan Marshall has devoted her life's work to humor and healing through books, columns and motivational speaking. As founder of the International Humor & Healing Institute, she worked with board members Norman Cousins, Steve Allen and other physicians and entertainers, including John Cleese. Her newest satirical survival book, Dancin' Schmancin' with the Scars: Finding the Humor No Matter What! is dedicated to Wounded Warriors, Gabrielle Giffords and Grieving Parents. She donates a percentage of the profits to these organizations as well as to the American Cancer Society and the American Brain Tumor Association.