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Maybe because I have unruly hair, I stay awake at night thinking about Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump. I wonder if they struggle with their hair the way I do. And what if they were to compare notes about their hair?

At half past midnight Hillary Clinton's cell phone rings. "I'm in bed!! Who has the nerve to call me so late and wake me up?"

"Donald Trump here. Would you rather I email you?"

"Oh God, no! No email!!!"

"Okay, Hillary. Calm down."

"What do you want, Donald Trump?"

"Hillary dear, I look at myself on the TV news. My hair looks like a blur - and frizzy!. In one photo it blew straight up like a volcano and exposed my hairline. I didn't look presidential. With all the campaigning you do, Hillary, flying here and there in different climates, how do you keep your hair looking so obedient, so under control? I'm thinking of using furniture shellac. "

"Donald!! Shellac would destroy what real hair you have left. I really do have to go back to sleep."

"Sorry to bother you so late. But just before you hang up - please tell me what products you use?'

"I don't use much, Donald. I wash my hair with Head and Shoulders."

"Head and shoulders, Hillary? Isn't that for dandruff?"

"No, I mean yes! But I'm not flaky!"

"Throw me a bone, Hillary. After you shampoo, how do you finish your hair off?"

"I let it air dry. No hairdryers."

"Ah, maybe that's why my comb-over looks like a brush fire. I've been drying it too much."

"Donald, do you want to get your hair to look less like orange cotton candy?"

"Yes."

"Try sponge rollers."

"Rollers! I'll never stoop that low, Hillary."

"But rollers give your hair definition. And your hair looks too brassy, Donald. What hair color do you use?"

"None, my dear lady. My hair is completely natural."

"But Donald, you used to be dark-haired. Dark hair turns gray, not dog-puke blonde."

"Let's keep this friendly. You used to be a brunette, too, Hillary, not a peroxide blonde. Do you wear a wig?"

"A wig is tempting, Donald Trump. But I don't want to wig out."

"I thought of a rug, Hillary. But then people might think I'm a snake oil salesman. Not authentic."

"But you are an authentic -"

"Authentic what?"

"An animal from the Bible that starts with an A."

"Don't say it, Hillary. We're having such a pleasant chat."

"Ok Donald, You've been open with me, even vulnerable. I'll share one secret with you. Humidity makes my hair limp. I buy hairspray by the truckload."

"Tell me, dear lady, what brand? I need a better hairspray."

"It's called Lock It by L'Oreal. Just don't use shellac or varnish."

"I'm writing this down, Hillary."

"Okay, Donald, this has to end. I have a big day tomorrow."

"Fair enough. Good night, Hillary."

"Good night, Donald Trump."

- Mary Stobie

Mary Stobie is the author of the humorous memoir You Fall Off, You Get Back On. She writes syndicated newspaper columns for Colorado Community Media and Senior Wire, and is a professional entertainment speaker.