Blogs

I have unwanted visitors.

They appear when it rains and when it is sunny. Holidays are not excluded. A few times a year, they roam in my powder rooms which are connected by a wall. THEY ARE ANTS AND THEY ARE A PAIN IN MY…BATHROOM!

I believe in gentle persuasion to dissuade these insects. I usually purchase organic substances. Nothing toxic enters my domain except for my neighbor, Yenta the Gossip. I do not want to harm the little buggers (Yenta is another story), created by Mother Nature. I just want to give them a ticket to ride.

Some old-fashioned solutions I have used include scattering bay leaves, vinegar and coffee grinds. They made a salad and sent out invitations applauding my excellent culinary skills though they wondered why I did not give them the option of itsy bitsy tiny cappuccinos. Now they are emailing friends that this is a good place to meet for java and veggies. They even liked me on their Facebook page.

There is no food allowed in the bathrooms except for those ingredients that are available only after they make their seasonal journey to my home. What the heck brings them here?

And why do they congregate around the shower water faucet? Do they have a cleanliness obsession?

I have sprayed them with non-toxic window cleanser and received a note of thanks, as their bifocals were now clear.

I have shouted that "this is my home." The rule is clearly stated on my front door, "Call before knocking under penalty of pummeling by a flamenco dance." Holding their ears, they giggle and they multiply. I have left birth-control books by the tub. Perhaps they have a religious objection.

Reasoning with them brought no satisfaction. They gave me a smart a** answer. I responded, "Yes, while I could deduct them as dependents on my tax returns" as they suggest, I tell them "they have to leave because of my "one house, one person" rental contract unless I get lucky during Fleet Week.

They are cute little things and they do not frighten me as much as the daddy long leg spiders in tennis shoes do. When they appear, I scream for my male hero who arrives in a pith helmet to remove the intruders, though he often screams louder than I do, measuring 8 on the Andy Richter scale.

Last week I encountered some bad, good and more bad news. The shower curtains and rod fell on my head. Water squirted everywhere, temporarily removing most of the "you know who's," except for the one in the Speedo with a life jacket doing the backstroke.

Last night I thought I had found a temporary solution. I lit candles, turned on soft jazz and gathered them together. In my most sultry voice, I then asked for "a commitment." They immediately disappeared.

This morning, however, Siri, my live-in, usually incompetent iPhone secretary, gleefully read me a text from their leader.

"VE WILL BE BOCK!

P.S. Janny, you are out of toilet paper."

- Jan Marshall

Jan Marshall has devoted her life's work to humor and healing through books, columns and motivational speaking. As founder of the International Humor & Healing Institute, she worked with board members Norman Cousins, Steve Allen and other physicians and entertainers, including John Cleese. Her newest satirical survival book, Dancin' Schmancin' with the Scars: Finding the Humor No Matter What! is dedicated to Wounded Warriors, Gabrielle Giffords and Grieving Parents. She donates a percentage of the profits to these organizations as well as to the American Cancer Society and the American Brain Tumor Association.