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I win elections all the time. Most of the time I don't even know I'm in the running until I end up with the job. Then I'm like, "What the…? I don't even remember a primary." But democracy is the best and always rewards people with wisdom and good judgment by pressing them into positions of service. It's that venerable tradition that makes our nation great. Consider this list of offices to which I apparently have been elected:

Landline Designate, Special Envoy To The Unknown Caller And Dentist's Receptionist

Official Taster Of Restaurant Cokes That Might Be Diet Or Possibly Pepsi

Dictator Of Email Responses To Relatives Requesting A Multi-Day Visit

Peacekeeper With Regard To All Disputes That Can Be Resolved With IMDB

Chief Collector Of Empty Cups, Dirty Socks And Pens That Were Free But Don't Really Write

Recorder of Food Establishments Banned Following A Family Member's Visit and Subsequent ‟Hard Times"

Executive In Charge Of Batteries, Replacement And Dead, Sizes AAA Through D (Not The Watch Ones)

Border Patrol And Customs Inspections Following Incursions by Dog-Walking Neighbors Who Carry A Baggie For Show Only

Commissioner Of Art Made By My Own Children (PTA Sham Delegate)

Supreme Leader Of People Around Here Really Needing to Go To Bed At Some Point So I Can Watch Game of Thrones

- Peyton Price

Peyton Price is the author of Suburban Haiku: Poetic Dispatches From Behind the Picket Fence. You can find her at suburbanhaiku.com.