Blogs

Vegetarianism seems to be in vogue. I don't know about you, but if I can't come by something honestly, I want no part of it. If others want to go for it, possibly even to the extreme of becoming vegans, that's fine with me as long as they don't look down upon me.

Let me tell you why I don't deserve to be shunned.

Aside from the fact that cows are made of meat and, therefore, are, by definition, food, I can think of a few other reasons not to be a vegetarian. The first one that comes to mind is rather philosophical: to eat animals is to honor them. I'm not going to blow smoke up your ha-ha and claim some Native American-like belief in the spirits of animals. No, my honor system is this - the animal is dead; it'd be a real waste if someone didn't eat it. Might as well be me. True, many food-bound animals are treated cruelly, and for that I feel bad and will gladly support efforts to lessen their suffering. But shouldn't we also feel bad for an animal that suffered for nothing? I feel bad, therefore I eat.

What about the fact that animals eat other animals? Have you ever seen a cheetah racing 70 miles an hour toward a head of lettuce or a chunk of tofu? I'll bet not. That's because cheetahs eat animals. And not unlike their human counterparts, they inflict a certain level of pain and suffering on their poor prey. But don't think for a second that the cheetah is having some sort of internal debate with itself on the pros and cons of a meat-based diet. He's just running his ass off and licking his chops at the prospect of eating literally blood-rare steak! No bourbonnais sauce, no side of potatoes, no nothing. And if you've noticed in those documentaries showing the cheetahs in chase, they almost always go after the babies. My God, they're savages. But that's nature and nature's a beautiful thing. It's the Circle of Life, for crying out loud. No less than Sir Elton John said so.

Now just because I relish meat doesn't mean I'm insensitive. Look at a cow, really look at one. Those things are butt ugly and misshapen, and the way they chew their food and stand around in ankle- deep mud is just repulsive. They flat out deserve having their meat eaten. Bunnies, kitty cats, lambs, even baby elephants, on the other hand, my goodness they're cute. How can any sane human, other than one in true dietary need, argue that it's okay to eat them? I'm just sensitive that way. And besides, there isn't very much meat on bunnies.

So you see, it's perfectly okay to be a meatatarian. Just don't waste the meat, don't eat baby animals, and above all, enjoy your meal, following it up with a nice dessert if possible. It's the least you can do to pay homage to Mother Nature's food chain.

- Kenny B

Kenny B is founder and editor of the comedy site Decasp.com. His features have appeared in the British Comedy Guide and Interrobang.