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Charles Barkley Banned From Vegas "All You Can Eat" Buffets

Hall of Fame basketball great and hoops commentator Charles Barkley found trouble again in Las Vegas. This time it wasn't Barkley's well-known gambling habits that put the all-timer in a bind, it was his equally well-known midsection - the one that earned him the nickname "The Round Mound of Rebound" during his storied career.

A group of Vegas casinos announced a ban on Barkley from their "All You Can Eat" Buffets. A representative of Wynn Casino said, "I don't care how much he loses, it doesn't make up for the shrimp and lobster the man eats." The MGM Grand issued a statement: "David Copperfield isn't this good at making stuff disappear." New York, New York Casino/Resort added in a press release: "Our hotel can't handle the plumbing."

When reached for comment Barkley said: "Sorry about the plumbing, but I thought what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas." Adding: "And, I didn't mean to bite that nice lady from Omaha's hand. But, everyone knows to be careful when reaching for shrimp."

Donald Trump's Hair to Announce It's Transitioning Into A Quilt

The news just got a bit more hair-raising for the beleaguered presidential campaign of presumptive Republican nominee Donald J. Trump. Diane Sawyer, in a blockbuster interview, sure to draw comparisons to her sit down with Caitlyn Jenner, announced that Donald Trump's hair piece will appear with Sawyer to discuss its transitioning into a quilt.

When asked if Trump "wigged out" at the news, the fuzzy patch of yellow answered: "Yeah, he flipped out a little." Adding: "It's time. As we say in the trade, "hair today, gone tomorrow."

Trump's hair will discuss with Sawyer its desire to transition into being part of a quilt. It's a project titled "From Hair to Eternity" that will also include well-known retired follicular replacement devices from Liberace, John Travolta, etc.

When reached for a comment, a Trump representative denied the hairpiece existed, but would not rule out a TV show to replace it, tentatively called The Hair Apparent.

UN Reports on Jolie-azation of Third World

The United Nations today called for a temporary ban on Hollywood celebrities traveling to Africa in order to adopt third-world children. "What with famine, war and disease, the African continent cannot afford to lose any more of its youth to adoption by celebrities," Halie Okafar, Kenyan Under Secretary of the Keeping Our Children Away From Celebrities Ministry, said at a press conference.

Many social scientists have begun to note the trend, calling it the "Jolie-azation" of the Third World. Minister Okafar stated, "Yes, of course, we all want to be adopted by Angelina and Brad. Heck, if the Clooneys are listening. I'm available." But, Minister Okafar warned, "first it's Angelina Jolie, then Madonna, and next thing you know, parents will hide their children at even the rumor that David Hasselhoff is in town."

When asked when a ban might be lifted, Minister Okafar said, "Hard to say. You Westerners have trouble controlling your celebrities. Yes, you held off Ebola, but what have you done to end that scourge known as the Kardashians? You see our point, yes?"

- Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of - winning the Nobel Peace Prize or sending Sudanese peace activist, Fatima Ahmed Ibrahim, to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of central Africa's indigenous people. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has worked as a writer and/or producer for shows on ABC, NBC, Showtime, The Disney Channel, ABC Family, VH1, LOGO and Lifetime. In addition, he's written stand-up material that's been performed on "Leno," "Letterman," "Conan" and "Last Comic Standing." His humor pieces have appeared in Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, The New Yorker, Santa Fe Writers Project Journal, Humor Times, The Higgs Weldon and Hobo Pancake. In 2015, he placed second in the National Society of Newspaper Columnists' annual column contest in the online/blog/multimedia category for his pieces in Humor Times and was named the Erma Bombeck Writers' Workshop's "Humor Writer of the Month."