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Dating in a time warp

Debbie WeissOnline dating is like a time warp. I keep meeting the same guys over and over again; they just have different names. Here are six guys on "repeat."

1. The Ravaged Romeo

He starts his dating profile by discussing his last failed relationship. Even if his profile's okay, once we meet, I find he's still pining over a lost love. And keeps talking about it, even as I back away.

I dated an Alec Baldwin lookalike with a brilliant sense of humor…except when he was lamenting about "The Blonde Who Ruined His Life." I was ready for him to take his shirt off, but he thought I needed to hear more about the pain she'd caused him. I didn't.

2. The (S)exihibitionist

His photos show a fabulous physique he's willing to share, but he's not great with words, offering sex early on "cuz it'd be kool." But he has little to offer outside of hooking up. Even if he does use the word "sapiosexual" in this profile.

After a few emails, one guy sent me a nude photo (rear view) promising ecstasy. I texted back the blushing face emoji. When I met one of these much younger guys, we had little to say in person. It was awkward. I'm a failed cougar.

3. The Freudian Fool

He's been in therapy for years, yet still hasn't made any progress resolving his mother issues. He's resentful towards his siblings. He's uncertain how his cat feels about him.

He often doesn't feel well, happily admitting he's a hypochondriac. He's uptight about sex, and has a limited diet, like a six-year-old. When I've dated these guys, I was charmed by their Woody Allen-ness, but couldn't deal with their moodiness and need to over-analyze everything. I ended things; they probably told their shrinks about it.

4. The Outer Critic

Even though he doesn't know you well, and you didn't ask, this guy has so much advice for you. One man kept telling me I should get an apartment in Paris, adding that I wasn't adventurous enough. I finally realized he wanted a free place to crash in Paris.

Another suggested that I was too sheltered; online dating would damage me. (He didn't want me to date other people). Others critiqued my world views, my car and where I live. I find this unacceptable. Outer Critic usually has other serious faults. Why does he think he can fix you?

5. The Failed Artist

This guy usually has eccentric facial hair and/or peculiar, handmade clothing. If he's a musician, he sends you many clips of his unproduced works. If he's a writer, you'll get numerous links to his unpublished masterpieces. He apparently thinks online dating will get him an audience.

When you meet, he'll drone on about his work. I've never gone on a second date with this type since I couldn't get a word in on the first. He can't tell he's boring.

6. The Aging Stoner

His profile starts with "4/20." Photos include a stylized marijuana leaf. Early on, he'll tell you about doing ecstasy or 'shrooms.

I dated a cute stoner just like Jeff Spicoli from Fast Times at Ridgemont High. Spicoli was often out of it so I ended things. I doubt he remembers since his short-term memory was trashed years ago.

Some types overlap. Ravaged Romeo and Freudian Fool both love over-analysis. Failed Artist and Aging Stoner overlap at "failed."

Not all guys fall into these categories. I've met some unique ones, including the funny, quirky guy who became my boyfriend.

- Debbie Weiss

Debbie Weiss blogs at www.thehungoverwidow.com. She's had articles published in The Huffington Post, Good Housekeeping, Woman's Day and Elle Decor, among others. She is writing a memoir and anti-advice manual about widowhood. She lives in the San Francisco Bay area where she was a practicing attorney for 11 years.

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