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Instead of a keeping a food journal like fat people do, I decided to keep a speaking journal of my day. The words in parentheses are what I was thinking at the time.

Wake up:

7:30 "Ugh. Why am I so tired"? (Because I take like six different prescription medications that [a] don't work, other than to kill my already subdued sex drive, and [b] don't interact well with my self-medicating, overly excessive alcohol consumption.)

Morning Prayers:

8:00 "Eh, f*** it." (Because I'm lazy and can rationalize my inaction in 70 different ways. Here's a sampling: My religion teachers were douches/why do bad things happen to good people/I'm a badass/where was God when 6 million, blah blah blah. I'm lazy as hell and will likely be a full-fledged atheist in a year.)

Elevator:

9:15 "This must be the local." (Trying to impress the ladies with my humor.)

9:16 "Why can't they play normal music on elevators?" (Trying to impress the ladies with clever observation and strong opinion. In truth, I like this song.)

Work:

9:20 "So, looking forward to the weekend?" (I don't have the confidence to speak my mind and feel safer using clichés.)

10:30 "It's supposed to snow next week. So much for that global warming, huh?" (Safe weather comment and clever environmental analysis in one shot - trying to impress the ladies.)

10:36 "Did you catch the game last night?" (Trying to establish the macho, sports enthusiast side of me to show I'm a well-rounded individual despite being an Orthodox Jew.)

Starbucks:

1:20 "Why don't they just call the sizes small, large and medium?" (Clever rant against a big company merely trying to express its individuality.)

1:21 "I remember when a cup of coffee was 50 cents." (Trying to impress the ladies with my life experience while indirectly referencing inflation, which makes me seem concerned about the economy.)

1:22 "Excuse me, but I don't see a sign that limits the amount of sugar packets I can take." (I paid three bucks for your crappy Red-Bull coffee that gives me raging panic attacks, yet which I continue to drink because change gives me panic attacks, so I'll stuff my backpack with those sugar in the raw packs if I want.)

2:00 "Excuse me, but I don't see a time limit for the bathroom posted anywhere." (I would have finished quicker, but your frequent knocking made it difficult to focus on completing that Su Doku.)

Train:

6:25 "Hey, let 'em off first." (Trying to appear like a responsible individual concerned with the efficient running of our transit system.)

6:26 "Excuse me." (f*** you)

6:26 "Excuse me." (f*** you)

6:26 "Excuse me." (f*** you)

6:37 "Well missy, I don't think that touch constitutes unlawful sexual misconduct." (It does.)

6:37 "So, call the cops. Am I supposed to be scared?" (I'm absolutely terrified.)

Supermarket:

7:15 "That customer has more than five items. Why is he allowed in this express lane?" (I'm a whiny, impatient, craving-interaction-in-any-form ogre.)

7:16 "No, screw you a**hole. You have like nine things in your basket, and I'm not even counting your assorted apples improperly placed in a single bag as individual items." (I think I can make up for being bullied as a child by being an aggressive, needlessly confrontational adult.)

7:24 "Credit." (I think I qualify for Chase reward points this way.)

7:25 "Can you double bag those?" (See: Starbucks, sugar packets.)

7:27 "Thanks, have a good one." (f*** you)

Home:

8:25 "It's delicious, honey." (It's not.)

11:00 "The safeword is Rumpelteaser." (Because I wasn't breastfed properly.)

- Isaac Alony

Isaac Alony is a New York attorney and father of four who every day contemplates making a run for it. Every single day.