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It's only half way through the month and already my New Year's resolutions are looking as sugar-coated as the now empty box of truffles sitting on my desk washed down with a gorgeous glass of Malbec. That's precisely the moment that I decided to give it up and started making a list of un-resolutions.

Here goes:

1. Going to the gym to work off the truffles. The times that I've actually made it there by 6:30 a.m. are way too few and far between to justify holding onto the membership, 350 truffle calories or not. This will make the dog much happier, too, since he will now actually get walked around the neighborhood, not just raced down the street by my teenagers before school.

2. Going on a diet in the first place. Hard pass on that now that women are celebrating their curves. What's it called? Body Shaming?

3. Having plans on a Friday night. After a 60-plus hour work week, I will completely surrender to the happiness that I now feel taking a hot shower, slipping into my fuzzy pink pajamas, watching Netflix and ordering take out.

4. "Putting myself out there" the rest of the time: Yes, putting yourself out there (wherever there is) is probably a great way to make new friends and open yourself up to new romantic connections, but I already have great friends, most of whom I've known for at least 14, if not 35, years, and I'm pretty sure that meeting people online is just that - meeting people online. Rarely does anyone report it turning out to be anything more than an awkward parting after meeting for a coffee or glass of wine anyway, so I'd rather do the things I enjoy doing like taking a hot shower, slipping into my fuzzy pink pajamas, watching Netflix and ordering take out on a Friday night

5. On that note, catching up with people out of obligation: Who's got time for that? No one. That's what Christmas cards are for

6. Wearing high heels to work: I officially give that one up.

7. My kids' attitudes: I've come to accept that they will not miraculously do an about face in the middle of sniping at me to say, "Oh Mom. You are right. I was being completely selfish, demanding and unappreciative of everything we have and everything you do for us. I know that's what Moms are for, to support and encourage us to become better, more respectful, reasonable and responsible young ladies. Thank you for reining us in to reflect upon our connection to humanity."

8. Taking the kids out of school for vacation: Some committee came up the brilliant idea to cut our school vacation calendar into two small breaks (a few days off in March and a few days off in April) as opposed to one big break whereby a family could actually spend some "quality time" together. Maybe I got such a great deal on airfare to the cute, little island because I said, "I don't give a sh*t if they miss a few days of school or not. We're going!"

9. Finishing every book I start: Except for my own, which is coming out in April!!!

10. How my life compares to others on Facebook: Ahhh… if we could only stop ourselves from comparing and despairing, the world would be a happier place. But then, we'd have to live without Facebook and how can you possibly do that? The answer is, you can't, so keep it in perspective, people.

11. Cleaning before friends come over: Why do double duty?

12. People who don't give a sh*t about you: #BYE

- Laura Fahrenthold

Laura Fahrenthold is a former New York Daily News crime reporter about to publish her first book about spreading her husband's ashes on cross-country RV trips with her eyeball-rolling teenage daughters and the pink steering wheel acting as her spiritual guide.