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It was said that the safest place to be is in bed since the only accident there would result in a soft cuddly being that would take care of us in our senior years. It seems to be less of a threat recently so try not to worry.

The common wisdom is to keep active for a healthy life.

Out of the bedroom there are so many hazards with sports and exercising that one must keep a doctor on speed dial or attached to your iPad.

For seniors, white is a prominent color: the favored shade for wrapped elbows, knees and eyes because of sports injuries. When our tennis and lawn clubs require proper attire, it means bandages.

Bowling was never considered dangerous unless your fingers became stuck and you were flung down the lane with the ball. If you made a strike, it was worth the concussion. The new affliction: bowler's toe caused by stress from trying to avoid stepping over the foul line or your whiney partner's face.

The ocean's exquisite stillness and ever-present surf teach us much about life's ongoing process. Still, those senior beach boys better watch out. The danger: surfer's ear brought on by waves bouncing off their bifocals into the eardrum.

Since more people are sitting at computers all day, they get a "barrel bottom." (I believe a polka song was written for me that kept me happily rolling along). The medical term for the condition, though, is "secretary spread." If you are an executive, it is known as the high-priced spread.

I just learned of a new pain which comes from twits who tweet. It is known as twitter thumbs. If you see someone with thumbs in an upright position, it is not because they are happy to see you. Nor are they hitchhiking as one anonymous Medicare Mama did. Someone told her to please stop lifting her skirt while seeking a ride as her blue-striped stockings were causing a distraction. She was not wearing stockings. Okay, it was me. Shaddup!! The upright digit you see is from the frozen fingers of texting fools, including me.

We are all members of the "Dancing with the Scars" club. It is a smash, excuse the expression. Join us and line dance to our theme song, "Our Achy Breaky Parts."

- Jan Marshall

Jan Marshall has devoted her life's work to humor and healing through books, columns and motivational speaking. As founder of the International Humor & Healing Institute, she worked with board members Norman Cousins, Steve Allen and other physicians and entertainers, including John Cleese. Her newest satirical survival book, Dancin' Schmancin' with the Scars: Finding the Humor No Matter What! is dedicated to Wounded Warriors, Gabrielle Giffords and Grieving Parents. She donates a percentage of the profits to these organizations as well as to the American Cancer Society and the American Brain Tumor Association.