Blogs

Bumper-to-bumpering towards New York City's Holland Tunnel one dark morning this week, I began to think about the names of American presidents. Not because I'm a presidential historian; leave that to Doris Kearns Goodwin and Michael Beschloss.

My mind searched for presidents' names because, as you stop and stare around New York City, you read on those Scotts green grass road signs several names of our nation's former Commanders in Chief.

The Lincoln Tunnel, presumably named after our greatest president, "Honest Abe," is the Holland Tunnel's cousin. Linc is the only other gateway to Gotham City for people driving in from New Jersey.

Track this equation: two razor-thin tunnels, plus hundreds of millions of drivers entering Manhattan from New Jersey each day, equals total insanity. New York's Holland Tunnel traffic jams extend to Texas.

The Lincoln Tunnel is named after Abraham Lincoln, probably. Wikipedia knows for sure although sometimes "Ol' Wikiboy" gets his facts wrong.

Manhattan's George Washington Bridge is named after our country's first president, George. Everybody's heard of Jorge. On a frigid night in the 1700s, he led his troops by boat across the Delaware River to fight a war. Was it the Battle of Tonka? The Peloponnesian War? The Cold War? Yes, it was the Cold War.

Here's something you didn't know and couldn't care less about: I was born on George's birthday: February 22. My parents thought about naming me George but decided not to. Riveting snippet, huh?

I guarantee you there other bridges and streets in New York City named after presidents. But America has never had a president named Holland. So why is the Holland Tunnel called the Holland Tunnel? Who was this Holland guy, or gal? Whoever he or she was, an American president he or she was not.

Roads and bridges in New York should either be names of American presidents or non-people names such as the Brooklyn Queens Expressway or Harlem River Drive. There is no abbreviation for a road in the United States more cool-sounding than the "BQE" (Brooklyn Queens Expressway).

Why isn't the Holland Tunnel called the Reagan Tunnel? Oh, I get it. New Yorkers always vote en masse for Democrats.

It's true.

The Holland Tunnel was built many decades ago, maybe before our current Commander in Chief was conceived in Hawaii.

Renaming the Holland Tunnel the Hoover Tunnel to honor President Herbert Hoover would make more sense than keeping the Holland Tunnel moniker.

Herbert Hoover was an American president sometime within 100 years of the day the Holland Tunnel was built - and designed for tremendous traffic jams. So we have history to lean on.

Color me open-minded. I could live with the Holland Tunnel being called the Jefferson Tunnel to honor President Thomas Jefferson, a red head who was smart. But I would not approve of it being named the Polk Tunnel because President Polk has the dubious reputation as one of our nation's most forgettable and least effective presidents. I don't want to ride through a tunnel that runs beneath the Hudson River named after a lackluster American president.

I want my overcrowded-with-toxic-trucks tunnel to be named after a sturdy president. You know this is true: If the Holland Tunnel was renamed the Polk Tunnel, water would gush down from above as we drive through it bumper to bump, filling our cars, destroying our vinyl seats and causing claustrophobic calamity. My tunnel must be named after a respected and sturdy resident or no president at all.

I trust you feel the same way.

The name "Holland Tunnel" doesn't fit with the names of New York City's bevy of bridges, tunnels and highways. I have nothing against Holland per se. What I know of the country is this and nothing else: in seventh grade I had a crush on a brunette, vivacious eighth grade girl from that small country. Tuttie Vasquez was her name. It's impossible to dislike a girl named Tuttie Vasquez. The name Tuttie Tunnel is an ear-sweetener. You could dance to it. Tutie never danced with me. She ended us.

I wouldn't mind if the Holland Tunnel was renamed the Trump Tunnel even though The Donald hasn't been president. But he will be in 2016 because, according to him, he's the only person in the world who isn't stupid and is good at negotiating. With Donald's name splattered on countless New York buildings, how could it hurt to plaster his name on the entrance to the tunnel? Like the Tuttie Tunnel, the Trump Tunnel rings right. So does the Trump Tower. But stay in line. We are analyzing the Holland Tunnel, not Trump's Towers. How many Trump Towers are there, five million? The answer is almost as many as there are people at whom The Donald hurls insults every 15 minutes.

In grade school I knew a guy, but not too well at all, named Brian Holland. I have no idea where he is. Maybe he's in Holland and married to Tutie Vasquez. Wouldn't that be something?

Or maybe as I type this he's driving through the Holland Tunnel wondering why it's called the Holland Tunnel rather the name of an American president.

Of this we should be aligned: the Holland Tunnel should never be renamed the Brian Tunnel because our country has never had a president named Brian.

We should be open, however, to changing the name of Brooklyn Queens Expressway to the Brian Queens Expressway because it would retain the cool-sounding "BQE" abbreviation.

- Charles Hartley

Charles Hartley is a freelance writer who has had more than 1,000 articles published in a wide range of media outlets focused on humor, sports, business, technology and consumers. He has earned master's degrees in journalism and business administration and a bachelor's degree in English and communications.